Shades of Gray
by x3paiger
Summary: SEQUEL to "No Better Mistake" AND "Finding Home"... Things are great for Remus and Sirius - and getting even better as Remus gains confidence. However, strange behaviors starts to raise questions, and Remus wonders - just how much CAN he change? COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**Shades of Gray**

**(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

**NOTES:**

HEY!

If you're new - you might want to read the first two stories, but even if you don't, this one will make sense. RL/SB slash, and rated M for language, and sexuality. It's also a TINY bit AU, but only because of the absence of Voldemort. Most everything else goes along with the books. I hope you like it!

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**1**

"Oh come on," Remus Lupin murmured, twirling his wand in his hand, "come _on, _you stupid, thing, _lock…"_

With a final twist, he heard the bolt finally slide into place, and he sighed in relief. Though he probably wouldn't have opened the door to fix it anyway, he double-checked that the sign in the bookshop's window read _Closed,_ testing the doorknob a final time. His hands – and brain – had been so cold he'd been barely able to hold his wand, and thus had had quite a time locking up, never mind the basic level of the spell. Despite his now icy fingers, he couldn't help but take a moment to admire the display window just beside the store's front door. He had put it up himself a few weeks ago, carefully choosing various red, green, and cream-colored books to create, in his humble opinion, a nice Christmas display. Even though the store was now dark, it did bring a little color to the otherwise dim street, white from the snow that had fallen earlier in the day.

Shoving his hands into his pockets, Remus pulled out a particularly atrocious knit hat, mentally cursing his friend, Lily Evans, for choosing such a heinous yarn, but in these temperatures, he was hardly in a state to complain. Quickly, he rubbed his hands together, and set off briskly across the slushy street toward the grocery.

The sharp, low growl of a motorcycle in the otherwise empty street caused him to spin quickly around in surprise. He would have perhaps tripped in shock if he had not recognized the bike's sound almost at once—and he was, for that reason, not at all surprised to see the large, black motorcycle parked just beside the bookshop. He was, however, a bit curious as to _why_ his nineteen-year-old boyfriend, Sirius Black, seemed to be waiting for him.

"What are you doing here?" Remus asked, although he was unable to stop the smile that was spreading quickly across his face.

Sirius leaned against the handlebars of his pride and joy, looking up at him. His dark, mused hair was still shorter than Remus was accustomed to seeing it, but it had grown somewhat since the August before, the curling ends extending a few inches past the bottom of his red, knit hat. As usual, his thin, somewhat tan face didn't seem to change in accordance to the dropping temperatures – Remus felt certain that his cheeks were growing rosier and rosier by the minute – but he had, at least, taken the time to bundle himself up in a few layers of flannel shirts and his leather jacket. However, the sparse, white snow did a great favor to his steel-gray eyes – the ground's reflection cast them almost silver; metallic.

"Just fancied a little ride," Sirius grinned toward him, and Remus rolled his eyes.

"You would," he murmured, shaking his head. He was shivering slightly, arms tucked into each other, but Sirius seemed to be unaffected by the cold, "It's _glacial_ out here, Sirius…"

"Oh, it's not _that_ bad," Sirius countered, "you want a ride?"

"I've got to get the—" Remus began, but stopped as Sirius held up a bag.

"I've got it," he said, and so Remus, sighing, climbed on to the bike, stuffing their groceries back in the side compartment. _You _could _easily Apparate home… _he reminded himself, but as Sirius handed him his helmet, pulling Remus' hands around his waist, he couldn't suppress his smile. _Oh, go on, then…_

And they were off – shooting quickly down the street, which had obviously been cleared by some city official. Despite the wind that now nipped at their hands and faces, Sirius had been quite right – it wasn't _that _bad… After all, hardly anything could be really horrible when your arms were wrapped tight around the flat stomach of an extremely good-looking man, speeding off toward the warm home you both shared…

It was December: six months after Remus and Sirius had first moved in to their old, beautiful house in the middle of nowhere. The house was small, only one bedroom, and filled mostly with second-hand furniture and dishes, but the area around it was lovely – vast woods and fields for the two to roam about it, something that Sirius had chosen particularly in lieu of Remus' "little problem"; the fact that he was a werewolf, and every month, he transformed into the dangerous beast. This little fact was something that had caused a large number of problems in their relationship – in fact, just in September, that tidbit, combined with a number of lies Sirius had told at work and home, had caused the couple to nearly meet their end. They had, however, made it through their rough patch, and now, Remus was the first to admit that things were going well. It was a different type of "together" than what they had had once they'd first become a couple, during their final year at school, but in a way, he almost preferred it – they were older now, much more mature, and able to appreciate each other that much more for their struggles. Sirius was continuing with his Auror training, and Remus still worked – and now managed – the small bookshop he'd just left, a place he'd grown to love very dearly, though he still had ambitions to teach. One other, main improvement in their lives was an improvement in Remus himself; through many long talks with Sirius, and their best friends, Lily and James, he had finally begun to develop a little more confidence within himself. His relationship with Sirius was, by no means, perfect (as long as Sirius continued to leave his socks on their bedroom floor, Remus doubted it ever _would _be), but things were _definitely_ getting better for Remus, who had spent a large majority of his past years in various states of anxiety and guilt. Although nothing could change the burden he felt he had put on Sirius by being a werewolf, each passing full moon brought further hope that things would be alright, and Remus' confidence seemed to be growing each day. Things were not simply one way or the other, but they were better. In the past, having Sirius had been the main source of Remus' happiness, but now, he was finding more joy _within_ himself; more sure that he could be successful, and that had made an enormous difference. Sirius particularly enjoyed this newfound self-esteem, as it improved things both with his personality, and within the bedroom…

Speaking of… Remus now leaned his cheek against Sirius' back, relaxing in the constant, straight path of the bike. He recalled fondly what a special time Christmas was for Sirius and himself. Last Christmas Eve, exactly a year ago, the two had, for the first time, made love in their secluded dormitory at Hogwarts, and Remus knew that Sirius was _not_ one to forget that little tidbit of history. Sirius, though he appeared to be, outwardly, much "tougher" than Remus, was quite sentimental. He was much more vocal, and obvious with his emotions, unlike Remus, who had, until recently, hidden most everything. Remus felt a certain sense of anticipation – Lily, James, and a few other friends were due to arrive at their home in a little while, but they did still have some time, at least for a little something fun… especially because, feeling the weight of the bags beside him, he felt certain that _all _Sirius had purchased at their grocery was a large quantity of alcohol. The thought of this made him blush, but only slightly – with new assurance came new sexual desires, and, to Sirius' delight, Remus was finding himself less and less shy to admit to what he wanted from their relationship.

Sirius came slowly to a stop, pulling his motorcycle carefully into a covered spot just beside their two-story home. At the sight of their snow-covered house, Remus quickly came back to earth; it _was _getting late, and though they had cleared up most of their junk the night before, he felt certain that there were many things to be done before anyone could begin to arrive. It had been Sirius' idea to have a party – he loved the holidays, he was like a child, almost, at the thought of Christmas – and though it would be a trick squishing everyone in, the two felt sure they could manage. Teeth chattering, Remus allowed Sirius to extend a gloved hand to help him off the back of the bike, then scooping up the groceries.

"Oh wait, wait!" exclaimed Sirius, snatching the bag from him and hurrying to unlock the front door, "stay here," he ordered Remus, disappearing inside. Teeth chattering, Remus looked impatiently after him.

"I did something when I was home today!" Sirius' muffled voice came from inside the house, and Remus craned his neck, trying to see in, but as if he sensed what Remus was doing, Sirius yelled again. "Moony, close your eyes! Give me a second—"

Sighing, but still in good spirits, Remus shut his eyes, and within seconds the door creaked open again, and Sirius' now uncovered, warm hands were upon his shut eyelids. "Step back," Sirius murmured into his ear, "Come on, come with me…" He guided Remus a few steps backward, leading him, as he could tell, further and further away from their front door.

"I'm freezing!" Remus called, but Sirius' excitement was contagious. In another second, he felt Sirius whisper in his ear again – "open your eyes!" – and he did, gasping at what glowed before him.

In true Sirius fashion, he had gone a little overboard… but the house looked very festive, outlined all in lights of many colors – red, yellow, green, white, blue – dangling down from their stooping roof like multicolored icicles, bordering the windows of their tiny bedroom and kitchen; their colors bouncing off the pure white snow that covered the ground. Every door was covered with a bundle of lights; even the chimney had not been able to avoid Sirius' decorations; there, too, lights circled and twisted, casting the whole house in a vivid, cheery glow. It was almost funny; it was the only thing visible for many, many acres, save the rippling fields and still-thick trees, and it was lit up as tacky and as beautiful as their homemade Christmas ornaments inside.

In a parallel to only minutes before, Remus felt Sirius' hands wrap around his own waist, and without thinking, he did as he always did. He leaned back, his head resting in the nook between shoulder and jaw, feeling the scratch of beard against his own smooth face, resisting the urge to giggle like a schoolgirl as Sirius kissed just below his ear. "It's wonderful," he said honestly, circling his own arms around Sirius'. "You did all this?"

"And without magic," Sirius said happily, and Remus, suppressing another eye roll, grinned even harder. It _would_ be like Sirius to do it all manually… Remus could picture him now, delighted with himself as he climbed on top of their short roof. Though he was now very cold, Remus turned around in their embrace to face Sirius, changing the grip of his hands so that they were now around his neck, pulling him closer and kissing him deeply, relishing the feeling of Sirius' hot lips on his, warming him up like a steaming mug of cocoa.

"You are amazing," muttered Sirius, "so… amazing…" Unintentionally, he had spoken the same words he uttered a year previous, and Remus found himself kissing him again, remembering, with a feeling of warmth in the pit of his stomach, the anticipation, the feeling of that sweet beginning, the wonderful, first-time sense of pleasure… Mere inches away from his face, Remus could see the reflection of so many lights in Sirius' eyes as they pulled apart, his mouth curling into such an easy, comfortable smile, still true, still very much in love, and, most importantly… still _there…_ Still there, grinning at him, just like he had for the first time, so many years ago.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

A sweet chapter to start... I do love a little cheese sometimes.

I'm really happy to share this one with you guys. It's going to be cute, AND dramatic, with people coming back in you've seen before... lots of fun surprises. I hope you're excited too!


	2. Chapter 2

**Shades of Gray**

**(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

**NOTES:**

I'll put 'em at the bottom.

Also, I'm not saying this chapter is MATURE, but it's not... G.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**2**

"_Fuck—_are you kidding me?" Sirius growled angrily, an hour later, at the sound of their doorbell chime. Reluctantly, he disentangled himself from Remus and their position on the living room chair, snatching up his t-shirt and flannel from the floor and pulling them on.

"You're the one who wanted to have this party, Sirius!" Remus reminded him, laughing, quickly puling his own cardigan back over his shirt and raising a hand to flatten his hair. Sirius shot him a dirty look, crossing the room to the front door and re-adjusting his belt.

"I'm sure it's only Lily and James, anyway, they've got to be first—"

"Hello!" Lily said happily as Sirius flung the door open, but stopped at the disgruntled look on his face. In her green dress, precisely the same shade as her eyes, she looked significantly better off than the man at the door, whose flannel shirt hung crookedly on his shoulders. "Are we interrupting something?"

"Oh, nothing that can't wait until after we're all gone, love," James scoffed, nudging in her in with a gentle hand. He, too, looked much less shabby – rich parents, and the prospect of a soon-to-be marriage had smartened up him quite a bit. "Hurry up and shut the door, Padfoot, it's bloody cold out there."

"Hello," said Sirius grumpily, quickly closing the door behind their two best friends, "half a fucking hour early, James, _honestly_…"

"Oh, hush," Lily scolded him, making her way over to Remus, who stood to give her a hug. "Remus looks happy to see us at least…"

"He should look happy," muttered Sirius, "_He _was the one who—" but James held up a hand to stop him. Lily made a face, but seemed to be suppressing a giggle.

"We've brought Christmas treats, look…"

Sirius was cheered considerably by the appearance of Lily's cookies, and as he took a handful, he sat down on their couch beside James, who quickly resumed his tormenting.

It was only a matter of minutes before the rest of their guests began arriving – a few of their old friends from Hogwarts, all of James' Quidditch pals, Sirius' friend Kevin, and his girlfriend Nicole, from the Ministry… even Remus' friend, Matt, had come around to visit, though Remus had seen significantly less of him ever since he and Sirius had nearly split up. However, he greeted both the boys warmly (it was only slightly awkward), shaking Sirius' hand and joining the already arrived guests.

It was amazing how, with only a few dozen people, the home seemed to fill up so quickly. It was, of course, a very small, and quite old place, but the cheery decorations, laughter, and potluck of food present from every person made the shabby furniture and chipped china seem non-existent. The room was filled with the jovial sounds from Sirius' record player, laughter, and comfortable chatter. Remus had been quite right about the "groceries" Sirius had procured – soon, there was a fair amount of alcohol changing from hand to hand, but it was all in good fun and Christmas cheer (and only a little bit of drunkenness). Sirius was delighted as every new caller complimented his rainbow of Christmas lights, and James entertained them all with his ever-popular trick of transfiguring their coffee table into a goat, and back again. With him, along with Lily, who had thankfully had the good sense to charm all of the dishes into refilling themselves, it all made out to be a lovely party. It seemed all too soon that everyone was pulling themselves off of chairs and gathering their coats up again, bidding everyone a very nice, though, rather tipsy, holiday. Nearly everyone had left when Matt made his way back over to Remus, pressing into his hand a thick, uncovered bundle of papers, bound loosely together.

"My book," he said simply. He was laughing slightly; pushing back the springy, chestnut curls falling slightly over his eyes with a hand. "I finally finished it. Or… the rough copy, at least."

"I can't wait to read it," Remus responded with a smile, and with a final handshake and a nod toward Sirius, Matt, along with the very last stragglers, left out the front door to Apparate homeward. Sirius shut the front door with a sigh, though he, too, was smiling.

"Did you have fun?" Remus asked him from his seat on one of the bottom steps, and Sirius nodded, still beaming. Edging his way through a few discarded decorations, he stopped in front of his friend, extending a hand downward to pull him to his feet.

"Not as much fun as we're about to have…" he said rather wickedly, and Remus, in spite of his better sense, laughed.

"Oh, yes… Where were we again?" he asked in mock puzzlement, tilting his head slightly, and Sirius pulled him even closer, looping his fingers through belt loops on either side so that their hips were barely an inch apart.

"About…" Sirius lowered his face, so that their foreheads touched, his lips already beginning to brush against Remus'. Remus could feel his breath on his face… he smelled, just slightly, of liquor. "Here…" and with that, he kissed him, taking, between his full lips, one of Remus'; his mouth already beginning to open slightly as he bit down gently. Remus chuckled into the liplock, but already, Sirius was holding him up, so that he was half-carried, half-walked all the way up the old, wooden steps. There were no doors at the top of the flight, which was quite fortunate, as Remus only had a few more steps to stumble backwards until he felt his knees meet the mattress. He, and Sirius, fell onto their rumpled bed in a pile of quickly disappearing clothing – Remus felt himself lift up his hips slightly so Sirius could pull off his jeans, his own hands attempting, blindly, to unbutton Sirius' shirt, as his eyes were shut in the heat of it all. Sirius pressing his own pelvis against Remus', both clad now in only cotton boxers, which did nothing to decrease the sensation; their chests slipping against one another's.

The difference between the current, and last year's encounter was stunning – Remus didn't think he could ever forget the gentle way in which Sirius had ensured that he was comfortable, and ready, but he was _not _sorry that he wasn't acting that way at the present moment. The passion Sirius exuded prevented Remus from ever wanting anything different; he was, in typical fashion, not at all shy, and very much vocal about his feelings. He groaned in ways that would have made Remus red with embarrassment if he had not felt quite the same way himself; his mouth and tongue flicked in ways and places that, without the intensity of their relationship, Remus would have scarcely dared to imagine. It was nearing freezing temperatures in the lofty space of their bedroom, and both boys were simultaneously sweating, and shivering, but neither felt the chill of outside. They were too absorbed in one another, their hands, roaming across the heat of skin, to bother about anything else…

And so, it was with much moaning and heat that Sirius and Remus made their way into the wee hours of Christmas morning, blissfully alone in the quiet of their rickety house. They both agreed, later, that while it couldn't compare to the year before, it had certainly come close – just like then, Sirius had pulled himself out of bed as they both edged closer to sleep, shaking slightly in the cold of the night as he opened one of their bedroom windows and pulled, from his dresser top, a crumpled pack of cigarettes.

Picking himself up from their bed, Remus joined him to where he sat on the floor, wrapping both his legs and their blankets around the naked form of Sirius, his chin pressed against the still clammy shoulder of the older boy. They sat in silence as Sirius lit and inhaled, both wordlessly admiring the view before them. It had begun to snow, again, and the flurries settled delicately and soundlessly down on the field below them; their trees holding snow in their branches like so many delicate flowers. The full moon would occur in a few days, and for right then, it was clear and bright on the still night; shining across the smooth, white ground like it was made of diamonds. The sight of Sirius' dark face and hair was, to Remus, the perfect contrast – the lit end of his cigarette dangling slightly out the window as he flicked the ashes downward with one thin finger. As much as Remus protested against Sirius' smoking during the day, the night changed it somewhat for him – even the smell was different, and mixed with their own sweat and sex it seemed almost delicious, better than any cologne. Sirius, with one hand grasping Remus', was smiling sleepily; and soon enough, he shut the window on the white night, guiding his extremely drowsy boyfriend back into their bed.

They curled into bed, facing one another. Remus couldn't keep his eyes open – every time he tried, Sirius' face, so close to his own, swam before him so much he had to shut them again; his body sore and exhausted from the efforts he'd exerted. He did, however, muster a smile as he felt Sirius kiss him once more, wriggling himself in close to him to hear his heartbeat already beginning to slow with sleep.

"Merry Christmas," Sirius whispered to him; the last thing he heard and thought of just before succumbing to dreams.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

I don't know why, but I love that end scene... happy with how it turned out. It's nice to write happy things for once!

Give me **REVIEWSSSS?** and I'll love you forever.


	3. Chapter 3

**Shades of Gray**

**(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**3**

As Remus stood, bleary-eyed, in his living room the following day, he thought, as he had so many times before, of how much he loved magic. It took him only a few waves of his wand and well-practiced charms to have the place cleaned up again, even after the disaster of disorder from the night prior. In no time at all, the dishes were whisked clean, the various beer and liquor bottles finding their place in the bin, and Lily's plate of cookies, which had continued to multiply during the night, packed up for Sirius to eat later. Yawning, Remus padded across the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee. Though it was past noon, he had just risen, waking on the floor above to pull on a pair of crumpled pajama pants and a sweatshirt; and now, shivering in the kitchen, he had no real plans for the day except to return upstairs and curl up in bed with his coffee. Thinking he might as well take a cup to Sirius – who was still dead asleep when he'd left the bedroom – Remus snatched up the sugar as well, a few packets held carefully between his lips, beginning again his ascent up the wooden stairs.

He nearly tripped over it, holding the two tall cups of coffee. Matt's book was, just where he had left it, perched precariously on the edge of the bottom step. The front page, though plain, had been neatly typed with Matt and the novel's name. Curiously, Remus set down his coffee and picked it up. It wasn't terribly thick – Remus flipped open the first couple pages, skimming them – and so he picked his mugs back up again, tucking the book underneath his arm.

He saw at once that Sirius was awake when he reached the top step; though, as Sirius pulled himself into a sitting position, he yawned heavily, eyes still just barely open. He took the cup Remus offered him with a murmured "thanks" and then sank back into the pillows, watching as Remus stripped back to his t-shirt and shorts, and fell back down beside him.

"What's that?" he asked, ripping open the sugar with his teeth, gesturing to the book, which Remus had now opened against his knees.

"You know that Matt guy?" Sirius nodded, leaning over curiously. "It's his book – or, I guess, what he hopes is going to be his book. He gave me a copy last night."

"That's weird," said Sirius, now flipping through the pages himself, "I thought he like… had a thing for you, or something?"

"I think maybe he has a thing for _you,_ Padfoot," Remus teased him, and Sirius scoffed, "one more glass of that eggnog and I think he might have—" Sirius threw an empty sugar at him, and he laughed.

"What is with you and thinking that people are interested in me?" Sirius asked, looking extremely amused. "Especially when they clearly think you're fit… Remember Zoe?"

"Yes, yes, but to be serious," Remus began, in a much more characteristic tone, "Matt—" but he was once again cut off by the other boy, who loudly interrupted him with his typical exclamation of "No, _I'll _be—"

"Oh—honestly, Sirius, every time?" Remus cried, but Sirius was clearly pleased with himself, emptying yet another packet of sugar into his coffee before taking a long gulp. "Yes—your name_ is_ humorous, but what else am I supposed to call you? An S.O.B., like your dear old mother named you?"

"Ugh," groaned Sirius, setting down his mug on the floor and pulling the many quilts to his chin, "don't _remind _me of that horrid bitch, Moony. It's _Christmas_, for crying out loud…"

"Oh yeah, it is, isn't it?" said Remus, suddenly remembering that it was, in fact, Christmas day, "well… It won't be a very exciting one. We decided not to get each other anything… Remember?"

"I remember," said Sirius, his eyes glinting devilishly, "although I think you gave me quite a _large_ something last night, if I correctly recall…"

"Oh, shut up," Remus retorted, but he, too, was grinning as he covered Sirius' face with a pillow, turning back, once again, to his book.

It was quite comfortable – Sirius drifting back in and out of sleep, one hand rubbing Remus' lower back as he sat up in bed, sipping occasionally and beginning to read. After only a few pages, though, he set down his mug as Sirius had, now staring at the text before him, turning each page with more speed than the one before it.

"What's it about?" asked Sirius, prompted by the confused look on his face, and Remus shook his head.

"Me…" he said, slowly, sounding shocked, and Sirius lifted his head back from off the pillow, looking equally as puzzled.

"What do you mean?" he asked, but Remus continued almost instantly, pointing to the line he referred to:

"I mean—not directly, of course, but… _I saw him every day, reading his book and looking studious, always with his ever-present cup of tea…"_

"What…" Sirius repeated, taking the book from his hands and skimming the page. "It_ is _about you!" he laughed, and it sounded bark-like, "Listen: _A beautiful type of a man, soft, fawn-colored hair and eyes that shone like precious gems… _Remus, darling, you know I love you, but this makes you sound kind of like a prat…"

"Don't you think it's strange though?" Remus persisted, snatching the book back from Sirius, who was still laughing. "I mean, he was supposed to be working on this _before_ we even met – do you think he changed the whole thing?"

"I guess," Sirius shrugged, "but yeah – I mean, it's definitely super fucking odd, but… what's it even about? The book?"

"That's the strangest part," Remus struggled to find a way to make his sentence less awkward, but there was no way—"That's just the beginning of it, but that—that _me_ guy is all throughout; I checked. It's like… some sort of love story or something. He goes on and on about it..."

"Are you kidding?" Sirius' eyes darkened now, and he looked, for the first time, angry. "He wrote a _romance_ about you? And he gave it to you last night, at _our _house?"

"Yeah, it's…"

"It's fucked up, is what it is," Sirius told him, his face now looking sour. "What an ass..."

"Well…" at the irritated look on his boyfriend's face, Remus shut the book, casting it across the room on top of a pile of Sirius' shirts and ties. "It's probably rubbish, anyway." He settled himself back down, curling up closer to Sirius and wrapping his arms around his chest, which was still bare. "Besides," he kissed the tip of Sirius' nose, which was wrinkled somewhat in displeasure, "he's alone. He's _got _to make up stories…"

"Yeah, I've got the real thing," growled Sirius, pressing his head against Remus' once more. "I suppose I can't blame him, after all, I'd certainly be jealous of you, too…"

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

They went to Lily and James' home that evening – after all, it had nearly been 24 hours since they'd seen the pair – for a delicious, though rather unorthodox Christmas dinner. It appeared as though (rather uncharacteristically) the engaged couple had spent the majority of their day the same as Remus and Sirius had, lounging about in bed, and, as a result, all of them agreed that the leftover Christmas cookies, eggnog, and sandwiches were the best meal they could have possibly pulled together. They, like Sirius, had laughed when Remus first told them about Matt's strange story, but James' face grew clouded, just as Sirius' had, when he explained the context of the novel.

"He's… a piece of work," he said, shaking his head, reaching for what must have been his fifth or sixth cookie. "I mean, if some guy tried to tell Lily he was into _her…"_

"Yes, yes, we all know what you'd do, James," Lily rolled her eyes in his direction, but she certainly seemed pleased. With their wedding only a few months away, this was a rare time for Remus to see her without a million things to do, something that Sirius had, surprisingly, become extremely involved in. It amused Remus to see his boyfriend so excited over the wedding of his best friend/adoptive brother – he helped them with everything, from the planning of the guest list to even the final decision on Lily's dress – this last bit was probably more a hindrance than a help, as Sirius had absolutely no eye for anything matching. It wasn't_ so_ strange (Sirius had always been somewhat of a romantic), but it _was _funny – Sirius didn't seem to care one bit just what they were deciding, he only desired to be involved in it, eager for something so joyous to happen… like a very small puppy. This day, however, was a time for Lily to forget her planning, and she seemed to be taking full advantage of it; dressed in jeans and a hooded sweatshirt that said plainly she had just thrown them on. She did, though, seem happy, beaming even more widely as James leaned across the table to kiss her on the cheek.

"What makes me so mad, though," Sirius continued, "is that he would just shake my _hand_ after handing him that thing, like it was no big deal…"

"It's_ not_ a big deal," said Remus, and all three looked at him. "I mean, the _book_ isn't a big deal," he hastily corrected, "like I said, I reckon it's probably all just rubbish anyhow."

"Probably," said Lily, as if that settled that matter. "James, tell them about that game last week…"

But Remus was only partially listening as James launched into a colorful tale of Quidditch. His mind was, instead, several miles away, up on the second floor of his house, curled up in between a number of crumpled shirts, wondering, in spite of his better judgment, what precisely Matt's "rubbish" said about him.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**I really like the dialogue in this chapter... once again, lots of time talking to myself! **

**But things are starting to heat up a little.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Shades of Gray**

**(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**4**

It seemed all too soon that the following Monday arrived. Remus, in fact, nearly threw the buzzing alarm clock out the window when it went off early that morning. The full moon had only been the night before, and though his transformations were tamer now than they had ever been, he still found himself exhausted after an evening spent transformed into the beast. He knew Sirius couldn't be any better off – he, after all, spent the night changed into a large dog as well, forced to run around, keeping the wolf at bay – and so it was with all his remaining strength that Remus rolled over in bed to face the sleep-rumpled form of the other boy.

"Padfoot…" he said, unwrapping a shaking hand from his cocoon of blankets and gently brushing the hair off of Sirius' forehead, "thank you." Without even opening his eyes, Sirius reached for him to pull Remus into an embrace, Remus scrunched up against his chest, shivering in the cold air.

"How're you doing?" murmured Sirius, one hand clumsily stroking Remus between his shoulder blades. "You feeling okay?"

"Yeah," he said quietly, willing himself not to close his eyes again and fall back asleep, "I feel fine; honestly."

"Good…" muttered Sirius, and Remus scooted away from him once more, planting a soft kiss on his lips before edging gingerly off the edge of their bed and walking to their bathroom. He would wake Sirius for real after he got a shower – let the boy sleep a few extra minutes… He deserved it, after the night before. Under the hot water and soap, Remus examined his body to find only a few sizable bruises, all of which would be easy enough to conceal. It was nothing like the August prior, Remus' worst full moon to date, where Sirius had been forced to push an angry wolf off of James, resulting in a broken collar and several long, red claw marks on Remus' arm. Looking at the scars now, which were still an abnormal shade of pink, Remus didn't feel resentful, though he probably should have – after all, the only reason for his anger that night was Sirius' near-lateness – he simply accepted the marks as part of himself now; a mere memory. As he turned off the water and reached for a towel, thinking now he really _must_ wake up Sirius, he discovered he didn't have too. Sirius was standing in the doorway, stretching his long arms in only his underwear. Probably subconsciously, Sirius put a finger on the center of his chest, directly on top of the full moon in his shoulder-to-shoulder tattoo; a black ink design of the moon cycle, a brand on his collar he'd also revealed the same morning as Remus'. He, similar to Remus, didn't seem too beaten from the night prior – only sleepy, which was evident from his somewhat red eyes and severe bed head.

"Hey," he yawned, reaching out a hand to trace the claw marks down Remus' bicep. He shook his head slightly, sighing, but then he climbed into the shower Remus had just left, leaving Remus to go and get dressed. He was halfway through a hurried frying of eggs when Sirius came downstairs. This was their frequent routine for the mornings after full moons, and most mornings, in fact – one would cook breakfast for whoever showered second… that is, if they didn't get in together, which happened at least a few times a week. In those situations, breakfast seemed to get forgotten in the general rush of things.

"I should be doing that," said Sirius as he hopped off the bottom step, waving Remus aside to point his own wand at the stove. Knowing it was no good to argue with him, Remus opted, instead, to wrangle up some bread and coffee, so that by the time Sirius had neatly flipped the eggs onto a pair of plates, they sat down to a decent, though a little rushed, breakfast. As always, Sirius kept a watchful eye on his boyfriend; prompting him to eat, though he touched little himself, a protective act which simultaneously pleased and annoyed Remus.

"You'll be late," he said finally, pushing their dishes into the sink, "Here, let me…" though he knew full well Sirius was quite capable of preparing himself for a day's work, he still reached across the table to adjust the black tie around the other's neck. With a final, hasty check to see if he really _was_ alright – "Moony, use that spell Lily told us on your chest, you've got a nasty bruise there—" – Sirius finally left from the kitchen, leaving Remus to pull on his many layers of clothing and do the same.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

"Did you see that jar up there? Like a tiny little fire…"

"Thanks for coming in!" Remus called after the pair just leaving the shop, both of whom waved merrily back at him. Guilty, he looked to the stairs above, where they had just left from. Perhaps he was being a bit careless about using magic in the shop… Not _all _the shoppers were wizards, he reminded himself. But it was just so cold in higher floors of the old store; and he just couldn't resist attempting to warm the place up a bit. He satisfied himself with the thought that, despite their confusion over his portable flames, they had, at least, purchased several books. After all, he thought, somewhat smugly, sending the novels they hadn't selected flying back to their shelves with a flick of his wand, this was nearly his place anyway. He sent a few more things soaring before he turned back around, facing the front windows and a young, thin boy standing before him.

He was dressed in a pair of jeans and somewhat tattered loafers, his narrow frame hung with a t-shirt and a rather old, blue hooded sweatshirt, but what surprised Remus the most was the look on the boy's slender face. He wasn't grinning, or laughing, but his expression was undeniable – he looked _happy,_ and Remus was shocked that it had taken him a good number of seconds to realize he was looking at his own reflection. He had transformed, unwillingly, into a werewolf, less than 24 hours ago, and yet he stood there feeling better than he had in ages; feeling _confident,_ and – and this is what startled Remus the most – he didn't feel guilty for it… at least, not _as_ guilty as he used to feel. Growing up was doing Remus a world of good. He was just pondering this, about to walk up the store's twisting staircase, when the crinkling sound of the door chime made him turn toward it once more.

Despite his revelation only mere seconds before, Remus felt the familiar dip of uneasiness as Matt, brushing snow off of his black coat, stepped into the shop. Though Matt had never quite had the effect on Remus that Sirius was able to produce, he _was _quite attractive, especially now, in his black, wool coat, slim-fitting trousers and a bright, red scarf, wrapped loosely around his clean-shaved jaw. Instantly, Remus felt underdressed, but, as he reminded himself firmly, this was _his _place, and Matt had come into it.

"Hey," he said brightly, and even he was surprised at how sure his voice sounded, "how are you doing?"

"Fine," Matt beamed up at him. Remus was still a few steps above, one hand resting on the banister of the staircase, but he walked down to be on the same level as the other. "How've you been enjoying my book?"

"Oh…" Remus hesitated for only a second, but maintained his smile, turning his back to Matt and edging back toward his desk; his comfort zone. "You know… I had almost forgotten about that! I got… kind of _busy_… if you know what I mean."

"Yeah," said Matt, with just an edge of harshness to his voice. Remus resisted the urge to smile. Though he had not meant to say it in _that _way, he knew that last remark had bothered Matt – though Remus had teased Sirius over it, Matt had never hidden how attractive he found Sirius. Matt had understood the implication of Remus' words better than him, who had really only said it to distract him. "You got that new Michelson book?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Second floor, third shelf," Remus said automatically, and Matt climbed the steps upward, calling back a thanks. Remus said there in silence, feeling shocked, but somehow, pleased with himself. Was he somehow in control?

"Let me know when you read it," Matt told him, a few minutes later as he made his purchase. Slipping the gold into Remus' hand, he winked. It was slight, but noticeable enough that Remus started, nearly dropping the coins as Matt walked away, laughing to himself.

_I guess not… _Remus thought, sighing, then opening the cash register to file the money away.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**Oh, Remus... I love him as a more confident version, even if he can't beat Matt! And I love him and Sirius as this relaxed couple.**

**Thoughts? :D**


	5. Chapter 5

**Shades of Gray**

**(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

**This is a cute/cheesy chapter... that I love.**

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**5**

With a faint _pop_ that Sirius only knew was there by experience, the narrow hallway of his old, somewhat dim house slid rapidly back into his vision. He was used to this feeling by now, of Apparating to and from the Ministry of Magic, but he still couldn't help but feel slightly relieved every time he did it without messing up. He dropped his leather bag (a present from Remus for his birthday a few weeks ago) on the ground, automatically kicking off his shoes to lay beside them. "Hello?"

Sirius was in a particularly good mood this evening. As he continued with his Auror training, he was gaining more and more responsibilities. The government had paid him a small amount before, but, just today, he'd learned that for the remainder of his training he would be assisting a higher-up official, which resulted in a pay increase. He was excited to share the good news, especially as Remus himself had just had a similar experience in his promotion to manager of his shop. "Hello…?" he called again, now beginning to strip off his coat.

"I'm in here," called Remus from the living room. It took Sirius a moment to figure out exactly _where_ he was in the space, though, which was surprising as it was very small room– but he finally spotted his feet sticking out from under the Christmas tree that still stood in the corner of the room.

"What're you doing?" Sirius asked curiously, but he too edged his way under the bottom of the tree, so that they were both flat on their backs and side-by-side. Remus had clearly switched the electrical lights on the tree on, and although their reflections were clearly visible in his eyes, the amber color of his irises seem to exude a light all their own. Remus' clear eyes were one of Sirius' very favorite things to look at, and he resented Matt for writing that bit, about his eyes being "like gems", more than anything else. _Diamonds_ sparkled with glamour, and a falseness, but like everything else about Remus, the honey color of his eyes was natural, almost liquid; pools of light in his otherwise pale face. Even as a wolf, the warmth in Remus' eyes never diminished. It made Sirius think, quite sadly at times, of Remus literally trapped inside a wolf's body, as if the human Remus really were peering out from inside. In real life, Remus looked almost nothing like a wolf – his teeth were only slightly sharper at the canines, and he had only a few, silver-gray hairs that mimicked the would-be shimmering coat of the canine. In profile, his nose showed only the tiniest sign of an unevenness; a slight imperfection that fit his face wonderfully, smoothly leading down to his equally as flawless jaw, which had never grown hair the way Sirius' – he rubbed his own hand self-consciously across his chin – unfortunately had. Remus had a very sculpted, yet somehow tainted look about him, from his straight facial features to the multiple ribs Sirius often counted along his chest. It was strange – Sirius was more "rugged", and yet Remus was the one with scars; Remus had a youthful, clean look about his face and yet he somehow looked old. His lips, slightly pink from the cold outside, were mere inches away from the tree; the branches, which had been rather roughly cut down from their own yard, just about to brush both their noses, filling them with the earthy, somewhat spicy scent of Christmas.

"I used to do this all the time, at home," Remus said, and suddenly he laughed, turning his head sideways to face Sirius. "I guess I look pretty stupid, huh?"

"Yeah, you do," grinned Sirius, and Remus slapped him, rolling his eyes. "Hey now," Sirius grabbed his hand before he could pull it back again, "come on, tell me this story."

Remus shrugged, but Sirius was intrigued. Neither of them spoke much about their respective childhoods – it was sort of like an unspoken agreement between them not to ask many questions; one of the only emotional topics Sirius wasn't perfectly willing to discuss. Sirius had always assumed it was because it must have been a painful time in Remus' life, as the little he _had _mentioned had included only the fact that, up until he turned eleven, Remus had been convinced he would never really be able to attend school. However, if he wanted to talk about it, even just to mention a stupid tree thing, well, Sirius was all ears.

"When I was really young – my mother and I used to lie under the tree and pretend it was really big, you know, like in that story with all the rats… (Sirius didn't have a clue what story Remus was referring to, but he nodded anyway) I used to do it when I was older, too…" and now he laughed again, "but only when no one was around." Sirius grinned at him, nudging him with his hip. "What, you think I was crazy or something?"

"No," said Sirius honestly, reaching up to pluck off a tiny piece of tree, twisting the sharp, green twig between his fingers. "It's just… weird to picture you before we met."

"Well, eleven is hardly _old._ I can't imagine I was much different…"

"Was is hard, though?" Sirius blurted out, before he could stop himself, his eyes still focused on the branches and paper chains only inches before his nose. "You've never said anything about… getting bitten, and all of that." He snuck a glance sideways, shocked to find his words sounding somewhat awkward. He and Remus talked about almost everything, but Sirius, who was rarely embarrassed, felt uneasy. Remus, on the contrary, didn't seem to be affected. He simply looked contemplative, as if deeply pondering the question.

"I mean, it wasn't _great,_ if that's what you're asking. That's why we moved out where my mother and father are now. There were some hard times but… " he shrugged, "it's in the past now." He said this in a very matter-of-fact way, and Sirius felt a small wave of relief. It was so much like Remus to be logical about all of it, but the way in which he now turned toward Sirius, smiling again, was unique to the new Remus, the boy with a startling new amount of happiness.

"In a way, though…" he said, and Sirius felt Remus' hand now upon his cheek, pushing back his quickly growing hair. "I'm glad. Don't get me wrong—" he said hastily, seeing the shocked look in Sirius' eyes, "you know better than anyone I'd change it in a second if I could, but… I guess it's not all so black and white… right and wrong. After all, it did bring us together, didn't it?"

Sirius grinned at him, once again grasping the hand that was now sliding down his neck. "Yes," he agreed, "and _you _know… that I like you just the way you are." Remus made to roll his eyes, miming gagging, but Sirius continued briskly, "even though you are stupid enough to lay under a damn Christmas tree…"

"Oh—" and with that comment, Remus succeeded that time in truly giving Sirius a good, hard punch.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

It wasn't until an hour or so later, when the two boys had long since wriggled out from under the tree, but had remained, for obvious reasons, on the floor just in front of it, that Sirius remembered why he had been so excited to come home that day. They were both sitting with their backs to the fire, sharing a bottle of hot butterbeer between the two of them (just the thing for a freezing day), when it came to him.

"Oh yeah," he said so suddenly that Remus started, nearly spilling the contents of the glass bottle. "I forgot – I got a promotion today."

"You did what?" Remus sputtered.

"Some more work," Sirius beamed, "but more money, too."

"Why didn't you say this as soon as you came in?" Remus protested, grinning too, but shaking his head in disbelief.

He shrugged, one fist supporting his head, gazing with quite a sappy expression… a definite result of their evening. "I got distracted, I guess…" he said, biting his lip, but then moving his hand from his cheek to inch his finger along the neck of Remus' bare chest. This was a bad habit he'd developed over the past few months. As a result of zero money for healthcare and little to no knowledge of healing spells strong enough for large bones, Remus' collar hadn't formed up quite correctly, but Sirius seemed, for some reason, fascinated with the abnormal, walnut-sized bump it had left. One major disadvantage of knowing and living with someone for over seven years was just _how_ physically comfortable you became with one another… at times, Sirius seemed to forget that Remus' body wasn't his own, the way he constantly ran his finger along any scar or imperfection he could find, poking at bruises, picking at scabs.

"First of all," Remus wriggled away from his hand, reaching now for the one of the several shirts strung across the room, "that's disgusting. The collar thing, not the sex," he said quickly, and, because neither could help from doing otherwise, they dissolved into laughter. "That's not what I meant," he tried to say, but Sirius was in tears.

"I mean…" he was still smirking, shaking his head. "But…" he said when they'd quieted, pausing from pulling on his sweatshirt to smile fondly. "I'm proud of you."

"Yeah, yeah," said Sirius, but he was grinning too, pulling himself and Remus to their feet to try and find something for dinner.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**I wasn't lying about the cheesiness. Or the cuteness. I was in a really Christmasy mood when I wrote this. **

**THEY'RE GROWING UP... tear.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Shades of Gray**

**(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**6**

January, and the new year it brought in, came as snowy and as frigid as the December before it, but despite the frost outside, spirits within Remus and Sirius' couldn't have been any brighter. Even the departure from the holiday season wasn't taken nearly as badly as it always had been in their school days, perhaps because there were, at least, no classes to go back too. Remus insisted they get down the Christmas decorations as soon as possible, because, knowing their track record with mess, the tree would be up to May if they didn't do it right away. And it wasn't just holiday things making a mess around their home, so, one Saturday, after a good morning sleeping in, the two boys had set out to tidy up the house. Sirius had put himself on Christmas un-decorating. Though he had been very proud of his lights, put up entirely without magic, Remus could hear him outside, cursing both with profanity and spells as he aimed his wand to remove the decorations outside.

Remus was in their bedroom, pulling up armfuls of clothing that badly needed washing, or hanging up… It was often hard to distinguish which was which. He was grabbing a pile of shirts up off the wooden floor when, for the second time, Matt's book surprised him. Now, he picked it up again, sitting down on the end of his bed to once again, thumb through the pages.

It would be a lie to say that Remus had completely forgotten the words Matt had so carefully written about a character so much like himself, especially not after the other boy had been so insistent that he read. However, in the past few days, he hadn't given it too much thought – after all, out of sight, out of mind, and by the smell of the pile of clothing that had covered it, the book must have been "out of sight" for a number of days. Flipping through till he reached the page at which he'd left off last time, Remus began, once again, to read.

Once you got past the certain – _floweriness,_ Remus thought – of Matt's language, it was somewhat intriguing. Matt, unlike Remus or Sirius, made absolutely no efforts to hide himself, or his sexuality: the book was an extremely sappy love story between two, as Matt described them, very attractive men. Unlike Remus' father, who read strictly academic texts, Remus had to admit that he loved a good story, and before he knew it, he had scooted back on the bed, pulling the sheets around him as he slowly flipped through the pages. He had never seen himself, or heard of himself (at least, the character he thought was himself), from this angle, and though he found himself blushing, it _was _intriguing… the Remus in the novel was perfectly confident, free from the rather large, hairy problem that plagued him every month…

"Remus?" Sirius voice rang from downstairs, and Remus looked up sharply.

"Yes?" he called quickly back.

"Could you come down here and help me levitate this tree out? I keep running it into things…"

"One second!" he called back hastily, stuffing the book, for a reason he couldn't really understand, quickly into the drawer of his bedside table. He didn't quite know why – after all, he was at perfect liberty to read whatever he liked, even if it was trash – but for some reason he felt compelled to hide it. Sirius wouldn't like it and… Remus shook his head, jogging quickly downstairs. He'd read it later. It was just a stupid book anyhow.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

It was just the next day that Remus got a chance to pull out what was now burning a hole into his mind. Sirius had gone off, as he did most every weekend, with an amused-looking Lily and a bored James; his enthusiasm and giddiness to assist them making them quite a hilarious trio. As usual, Sirius hadn't been invited to come along to taste cakes, but he was with them all the same.

Fixing himself a sandwich and a cup of hot chocolate, it took Remus only minutes to sink back into his most comfortable place: curled up in the living room, eating chocolate, with the fire going and something to read. Within minutes, he was completely absorbed.

The plot line wasn't what interested Remus – it was quite mundane, to be completely honest; a simple, but heated story of two lovers and their various trials and tribulations. Matt seemed to have no reservations, and included a highly descriptive sexual encounter every chapter or so. Remus may have been feeling more confident, but he was exceedingly grateful no one was around while he was reading these scenes, because, even alone, he couldn't help but turn red. Matt was so _detailed; _he wrote about things that Remus would be embarrassed to even really dwell on, let alone talk about it, and it was made a hundred times even stranger by the fact that, with every page he turned, he felt certain that the story's protagonist _was _himself. This, above everything, was what secretly fascinated him. Matt's version of Remus was – though he was ashamed to admit this – everything Remus wanted to be. He was exceedingly attractive, successful, and so sure of himself… but this couldn't possibly be what anyone, let alone Matt, truly perceived. He knew it was exaggerated, but… to think that someone thought of him in even that slightest of way…

Sirius loved Remus, that was for sure, and Remus knew, through Sirius' verbal and (mostly) physical reminders, that he certainly found Remus to be someone important. He knew Sirius was attracted to him – nothing could erase the sounds of his own name, groaned from Sirius' lips – and he knew he was appreciated – that was something he'd learned from Sirius a long time ago, as he consistently assisted Sirius with homework. It wasn't at all that Matt liked him better, or saw him as any more unique… and yet, somehow, he seemed be painting a picture of who Remus could really be, if he just let himself feel a little less insecure.

By this point, Remus had stopped reading – he was staring off into the fireplace, gazing through the heat of the flames without realizing exactly what he was doing. He _could_ be that person. He could talk about sex and love and passion with Sirius, and he could act like there was no one in the world more important than himself… It didn't have to just be a fictional Remus, caught up between the pages of a book…

Suddenly, the combined laughter of three people rang out from behind Remus, just a few yards away. Once again, he hastily stuffed the book out of site, this time shoving it between a few others on the cluttered shelf, before he walked into the hall to greet his friends, who had clearly just arrived back.

"Hello," said Sirius, grinning at him.

"Hello," Remus echoed, and without thinking, Remus kissed him – much more passionately that even he had planned, one hand on Sirius' side, feeling the warmth of skin just under his open jacket and shirt. Sirius, though clearly caught off guard, stood stock-still for just a moment, but then, as usual, he was unable to stop himself from responding quite enthusiastically, both hands on the sides of his face; eyes shut…

_"Hello!"_ James called, throwing up his hands, and the two broke apart. "I mean, I know this is your house and all but—"

But whatever spell had come over Remus was not quickly abating. "What, you want one too, Prongs?" he teased, moving as if to make a move toward James. At the site of his shocked face, Remus laughed, then grabbed Lily by the hand, pulling her in to the kitchen.

"What happened to Remus…?" James asked, his eyes wide, as he stood, seemingly temporarily frozen, raising his eyebrows to Sirius.

"I don't know…" Sirius said, a slow smile spreading across his face, "but I could certainly get on with it…"

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**sorry so late! I was out of town with my best friend. REVIEWS? **


	7. Chapter 7

**Shades of Gray**

**(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**7**

And so, Remus read. He read Matt's book with the same fervor as any other great novel he'd ever been engrossed in, only this time, he did it in secret. This was only slightly tricky, as Sirius was continuing to help Lily and James. He also talked often of his friend Kevin, and his improving status as a young Auror. Remus was feeling better and better every day, even if he didn't see Sirius as much as he liked. The only unfortunate thing that had happened recently was that Sirius' job, and his new position, seemed to be, once again, keeping him quite busy – he stayed late many nights – but even this fact didn't upset Remus as much as it had in the past, as it now gave him more time alone, and more time to wonder, his curiosity growing more each night.

During the week, he only saw Matt once, and thankfully he was so busy that they didn't have time to talk much; because Remus really didn't know what he would say. With every paragraph, he felt less confused about why Matt had chosen him, and more confident that he could be that person. It was exhilarating to know that someone, even if it was someone you didn't have any particular strong feelings for, certainly thought something of _you, _and – and this part gave Remus a shiver – there was potential for other people to be reading of those desires as well. His fantastic mood combined with Sirius' pay increase brought about good times for the whole of the month of January.

That is, until one Sunday morning, the morning before the January full moon, when something happened to make Remus begin to feel quite strange. An incident, like a lone, gray cloud, that began a cluster of a storm, moving, very quickly, to cover up what was otherwise a glowing ray of sun…

Uncharacteristically, Remus had slept in. This was, however, excusable for the fact that around this time of month (though he tried very hard not to let it affect him), Remus often experienced bouts of exhaustion and insomnia as a result of his heightened anxiety. Though he knew, realistically, there was nothing he could do about his situation, and he was much more comfortable with it than ever before, the nights just before it seemed endless; lying awake in a dark room, staring out the window, wishing, just once, that things could be different. Remus was a creature of habit, and he hated the unpredictability and lack of control he was forced to undergo every month – he never knew what would happen on the nights that he, Sirius, and sometimes James would romp around the dark forests. Any number of factors could set the wolf off, and he dreaded not knowing if he would wake up with more broken bones, or only a few scratches. Depressed, and worried, he had a hard time sleeping, but through the months, he and Sirius had determined that _some_ things did help. Remus _had_ been up most of the night before, but then, it had been because of Sirius… and a good evening spent in bed with Sirius typically equaled a full day's sleep afterward.

And so, by the time he awoke, it was nearly noon. What really woke him up was his stomach – it was growling so loudly it might as well have been its own beast, and Remus found himself suddenly ravenous. After stumbling to the bathroom for a quick brush of his teeth, he pulled back on the clothing he'd abandoned the night before, beginning down the stairs that lead to the first floor hallway.

He was only a few steps down when he stopped, crouching, to listen to the conversation below.

Sirius was there, obviously, and he was talking to someone – it had to be James, Remus realized, checking his watch, because he would be the only one coming over on a day like today. It wasn't the interaction that surprised him (they did, obviously, spend time with their friends quite often), but rather what Sirius was saying to him—

"—die if he knew. You won't tell him… will you?"

Remus felt a dull ache somewhere in the pit of his stomach. _It's not about me,_ he told himself, firmly, _Clearly—it's his boss, or Kevin, or—_

"Of course I'm not telling Remus." And it was James downstairs, his voice, though low, carrying up the stairs so that Remus could hear it, loud and clear. "I'm your best mate, aren't I?"

"_Yes,"_ and it was Sirius again, "and that's why I told _you, _right now_… _But if he knew—"

The worry was beginning to rise within Remus, quickly inflating like a large, helium-filled balloon. Knew what? What wasn't James telling him? Sirius' voice had dropped to an even quieter volume, and Remus was straining to hear; he moved his foot down just another step lower, just a little bit closer…

To three pairs of wondering ears, the sound of the always-creaky step was deafening. Remus nearly cursed out loud as Sirius' tone instantly changed, much louder—

"Remus?"

Fixing a smile on his face, Remus stepped (probably louder than he really needed to) down the stairs, making every effort to look as though he had just woken up. The last thing he wanted was for the two of them to know he had heard… whatever they were discussing… Though Sirius looked momentarily anxious, he quickly smiled at the "I-just-rolled-out-of-bed" form of Remus, hastily stating he'd make some lunch as Remus took his place at the kitchen table and he stood up.

"How are you?" asked James, and though his smile looked genuine, Remus felt suddenly like pulling out his wand and holding him hostage. What did he know? Weren't they, as well, supposed to be friends and now… _Something _was going on, Sirius was…

He was what? Remus shook his head, now taking a sip of the coffee Sirius handed to him, consenting to turn his cheek slightly and allowing Sirius to kiss him. He knew his boyfriend, and he knew that, despite all the utter madness that boy possessed, if he was one thing, he was open, emotionally. Just the night before, they had been making love in their bedroom, and Sirius had, as he always had before, moaned out his feelings, murmuring in his ear as he kissed Remus' neck… Remus was not the first person Sirius had been with, but Remus _was_, in his words, the "only one he'd been _in love_ with." The only person who knew better than Remus about how Sirius had changed was Sirius himself, as falling in love with Remus had forced him to re-evaluate who he was, and what he wanted out of life. Remus, regardless of his gender and all of his flaws, was the person Sirius had fallen for, and feelings like that, actions like that, made certain that a person had to be honest with his partner. Sirius _couldn't_ lie, not after his guilty double life just a few months before, and not after the way he'd let himself be vulnerable, and at times, submissive, to Remus… both emotionally, and physically… and no matter what the conversation had _sounded_ like, whatever was going on, Remus was certain it couldn't be that bad. Remus was just anxious, as usual, because of the full moon approaching. He was being paranoid, and jumping to conclusions. One of the biggest issues of the summer last was that he had never been angry with Sirius for lying, not once – he had, instead, blamed himself. Sirius and James could have been talking about anything, anything at all… but… but what? _What_ had they been talking about? What was Sirius hiding from him…?

"What do you want?"

"Huh?" Remus jerked his head around. "What d' you mean?" he asked quickly.

Sirius stared strangely at him, one hand on the open door of the kitchen cabinet. "To eat, Moony," he said slowly, "what do you want for lunch?"

"Oh—I don't know—" he faltered, but seeing the look on Sirius' face, he relaxed. _Calm down, _he told himself, and, as he planted a smile onto his lips once more, he saw the worry began to ebb out of Sirius' eyes. _It's fine. _Sirius was looking relaxed. Honest.

"I'll just get some toast, then," he said, shutting the door of the cabinet and simultaneously closing the questions in Remus' mind.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**Where is everyoneee?**


	8. Chapter 8

**Shades of Gray**

**(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**8**

Remus had mixed feelings about James' presence as the night drew in closer. On one hand, it might be best to have him around, because Remus had a feeling that, tonight, the werewolf might have a particular attitude. However, the other side of the picture was that a situation like the one a few months ago could occur again – where the werewolf, so angered over Sirius, had caused Remus to eventually be severely injured by his friends. However, Remus was not one to be shaken so easily. True, this morning he had felt a bit worried, but as the afternoon went on, he felt more and more certain that, whatever he had heard must have been a bit of a misunderstanding. After all, he trusted Sirius, and James, with his life. Tonight, even with James there, would be fine – he even felt surprisingly calm as made their way outside.

It was a clear night, bitter with cold. As three large animals, the boys would hardly feel the temperature, but at that moment, it was agony for Remus to prepare himself for the transformation, removing, as he always did, the clothing that would otherwise be ripped to shreds. James and Sirius, as voluntary Animagi, didn't need to do the same, and out of love for their friend they remained as close as possible to him; Sirius, pulling Remus (who was shaking badly) against his chest and James, briskly rubbing Remus' arms as he remained close against his back. It would have been quite a humorous scene if the situation hadn't been so serious. It was one of the things that, despite all the jokes they would make afterward, that never was mentioned again. Remus' mind was determinedly blank. He let himself be surrounded by the people he knew would protect him until the very last minute, where he finally drew away and allowed the painful night to commence.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

Whoever it was that said everything became easier with time was wrong about at least a few things, Sirius thought, resisting the urge to run as he watched, yet again, Remus begin his struggle. James was looking toward the ground, but Sirius, though he almost wished he could be the same way, knew he must watch. However, it was true that this never got any easier. Always, it was the same feeling of panic, the same, horrible pity, and although he knew Remus wouldn't have wanted him to feel either of the two, it was unavoidable. He knew his pain was nothing, _nothing_ compared to what Remus was going through, and yet it ripped through him, touching every organ – his lungs, fit to burst, his stomach, clenched in fear, and his heart, pounding so quickly with the familiar, and yet unpredictable aching. He could hear the bones break, even from his distance, and inside himself, he felt the same pain; an invisible connection; a shared soul between two bodies divided. Remus was screaming, and he felt his own throat constrict with the urge to do the same. He hated it, he hated it more than anything, but only for one solitary fact – he despised seeing Remus, whom he loved so dearly, go through pain for no reason. Not for the first time, he felt anger, a red-hot rage that anyone should have to undergo this torture, and so frequently…

He felt James' hand on his arm, and looking toward him, their eyes met in a silent agreement. It was time. Remus was only half-man at this point; they had only seconds to do what they must, and so, within an instant they became the animal forms that had chosen them. It was something like a relief. Things – feelings, emotions – were much less complex to Sirius as a dog, and the slightly lessened burden on him allowed him to think more clearly. James was scratching the ground with a nervous hoof. As always, Sirius was struck momentarily with the differences between the two of them… James, as a towering white stag, was lean with muscle; a pair of enormous antlers stretching proudly out from either side from the smooth hair of his head. Sirius, on the other hand, was as dark as James was light, his black, thick hair never quite free from matting. Though he was quite an enormous breed of dog, he had none of the majestic quality James possessed – he kept low to the ground, protecting himself with snarls, powerful paws, and sharp teeth as opposed to graceful hooves and antlers. Perhaps their Animagus forms truly did depict more than they knew of themselves…

With James stepping lightly behind him, Sirius quickly padded toward the momentarily stunned form of the werewolf. The transformations over the last few months hadn't been as bad as some in the past, and so Sirius paused only for a second before he licked the wolf, square on its flat nose.

Instantly, the dark eyelids sprang open, revealing angry, molten-gold eyes, and lips curled up, showing sharp canines. It snapped, growling at the dog, rising up onto its paws. Sirius felt his normally pointed ears begin to flatten onto his wide head. He hesitated, taking the smallest of steps backward, but James, beside him, hit the wolf on his side with his antlers. It wasn't intense, but it was powerful enough to nudge the wolf into what seemed like acknowledgment, as its eyes turned to the stag. With that glance, James took off, whining slightly at Sirius, encouraging him to the same. The werewolf ran, chasing after James, but Sirius stood, rooted with all four paws to the ground. Had he not been recognized?

The werewolf had not stopped for him.

He knew he shouldn't be as surprised as he was. Both James and himself had learned, long ago, that, although the ghastly werewolf possessed their friend each month, it was _not _truly Remus Lupin. They never referred to things that happened during those nights as Remus' doings; only "the wolf" prowled with them, and Remus had little to no memories of anything he did or thought while transformed. It always took the creature a number of minutes to recognize its companions, but, always, the wolf had favored the canine form of Sirius, if for no other reason than their similarities. There were even occasions on which the wolf had seemed innocent, almost tame; seconds where the nips at Sirius' heels seemed playful instead of bloodthirsty. On one other night, Remus, feeling vulnerable as Sirius witnessed his transformation for the first time, had caused the wolf within him to be angry again, and like tonight, James had stepped between them… But on the memorable October night of a few months ago, the wolf had chosen to lay down beside the dog and sleep; a clear result of Remus' relieved and relaxed state just before transformation. But now – tonight – it had snapped at him, and the look in the beast's eyes was not one of recognition… it was one of anger.

He couldn't dwell on it very long. This was, after all, not the Remus he knew – it was a curse, a devil that took over the mind and body of someone who deserved much better. It was always unpredictable, and Sirius should have been smart enough to know better. He couldn't afford to get comfortable with a dangerous animal… he must always be on his guard. With these thoughts fresh in his brain, Sirius ran off in the direction the two others had headed, preparing himself for another night spent pounding over the hard, forest earth.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**Thanks for all the reviews, guys! I'm excited, because it's starting to get dramaticccc... let me know what you think!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Shades of Gray**

**(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**9**

James was gone when they woke up – as always – but he'd left a note: _Let's do this again sometime… Cheers, James._ Sirius had laughed at it, and shown it to Remus, who, although he was barely awake at the time, chuckled as well. It was much more like Hogwarts than any transformation before it. Sirius had even swiped a bottle of the same bruise-healing paste they'd used the year before from a Healer he knew ("see, Moony, it pays to be charming," he'd told Remus, winking as he dabbed a bit onto his arm). They were both in good shape, only tired, and it was with much grumbling that they said their goodbyes and headed into town that Monday.

A few days later, they were back into their normal routine of work, though Remus was still exhausted. He cast a furtive glance around the street, hiding his wand from view as he tapped the knob of the door of the shop. It was Wednesday, and Wednesday meant a new shipment, which he would have to put away, and unless, by some gracious twist of fate, he was completely alone, he would have to do it the manual way. _It is what I get paid for,_ he reminded himself, quickly turning on the lights with another wave, and then pocketing his wand. Shrugging off his coat, he left it with his other things in the back as he walked up the first flight of the spiraling staircase.

He lit lamps as he went, gathering up the loose volumes in his arms to return them to their rightful place. Large, glossy books on (Muggle) photography, well-disguised charm instructions (bewitched to look like cooking books to non-magical eyes), fairy tales, romances, biographies… the store itself may have been small, but magic did a lot in ways of keeping a huge selection of books. They were small, but popular, probably because Remus didn't mind for people to come in, on cold afternoons, and sit for hours to enjoy a good story. He was friendly and helpful, even on his most tired days, and as a result, things were getting more and more business.

Therefore, it did not surprise him to hear the door chimes go off a floor below. Arms still clutching novels, he extracted a hand to wave downstairs at the smiling young mother, her two young children already bounding up the stairs toward Remus.

"It's much better than buying them a new toy," she told Remus as, she too, reached the top of the stairs, nodding toward her children who were already flopping onto cushions, engrossed in picture books. He grinned, turning back to his shelves and continuing his work. The mother's low voice, coupled with giggles kept the smile on his face as he walked back downstairs, setting books on the steps as he went, making his way to his very familiar spot… maybe he'd just sit down for a few minutes and relax, grab a pen and do this budget…

He hadn't even realized he'd nodded off until Matt was right in front of him, tapping his hand. With a jerk, he sat straight up. "Sorry—oh, it's you," he stopped when he saw who it was, then shook his head. "I mean—I didn't mean—"

"It's okay," Matt was laughing at him, and Remus felt himself relax. "You're fine. Mind if I—?" he gestured to the seat before him, and Remus nodded, still trying to get his bearings. "Why are you always so tired, anyway?" he asked.

"I have—trouble sleeping," Remus answered hastily. In a way, this wasn't a complete lie, but Matt still looked suspicious. Hastily, he changed the subject. "How have you been, then?"

"Fine," he said again. Now, he unfastened the buttons of his coat, carefully unwrapping the fine material of a scarf and folding it into a pocket. Not for the first time, Remus shifted uncomfortably before him. Matt's somewhat ripped jeans and flannel shirt looked intentionally casual, instead of sloppy, which was what Remus felt he was in a pair of brown pants, Sirius' favorite t-shirt, and the most comfortable cardigan he owned, stolen from his father many years ago. Matt's glasses made him look intelligent, and not at all nerdy, and Remus couldn't understand how he could look so styled (he was more of the "obvious" sort of flamboyant), and yet not overly done. His curly hair was longer than Remus' (whose slightly waving ends only grew an inch or so past his ears), and yet Remus felt distinctly less groomed. Just the night before, Sirius had plucked out several silver threads from his hair as they'd stood by the sink to brush their teeth. He'd kissed the top of Remus' head after every one… "Silver to go with your golden eyes, Moony, I'd wish you'd keep them…"

His golden eyes – Matt has seen them too. Matt had written about his eyes… and suddenly, Remus felt better. What was he feeling insecure for? He sat up straighter in his seat, smiling.

"Just trying to find a publisher," Matt continued, as if reading Remus' mind. The book—

"Oh… right," said Remus, trying to sound nonchalant. He tried to keep his gaze steady, but it was too late – Matt's eyes had darted to the same place as Remus', and peeking out from underneath the latter's coat was the novel on both of their minds.

Remus had been wondering what if he would say if (or rather, when) he saw Matt again. It would obviously be horridly awkward to admit that he had read, by now, the majority of Matt's words, but at the same time, he couldn't keep "forgetting about it" forever. Now, though, Matt grinned. Remus didn't need to say anything… the crumpled pages and hastily stuck in piece of paper, to mark his place, had said everything for him.

But instead of feeling ashamed, as he surely would have been just a few months ago, Remus folded his arms, maintaining his gaze. So what if Matt knew? What was the point of being embarrassed, after all? Why should he care what the boy thought? He had better things to do – more important things, and if Matt thought he could be confident… well, he would be.

"Well, good luck with that," he said evenly, picking us his pen, smiling, and resuming the work he had already begun.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

He took a breath. Sirius was more nervous than he had anticipated. There was no reason for it; he'd been planning what he was about to do for quite some time, making sure every detail was perfect to the utmost degree… most importantly, that it would be kept a secret. He waved a goodbye to Kevin, and several other young Aurors on the main floor of the Ministry, but instead of turning on the spot and vanishing, as he usually did, he exited, instead, out the visitor exit, emerging in seconds outside on the Muggle streets of London.

It was still freezing, now, a week later, in mid- February, and Sirius reached up to fasten the topmost button of his coat, loosening his tie in the process. His favorite, deep purple tie – the one Remus had given him, back in June, when he'd first begun to work at the Ministry. Remembering this, coupled with the blast of wind pushing his hair from his face, Sirius quickened his step. He was scared, that was for sure, but something inside him told him he wouldn't regret this. Despite his hesitation, Sirius knew… this was something he needed to do.

He walked briskly on for a few more blocks, stopping only to check his watch under a street lamp, and to make sure he was taking the right turns. Now was the moment. Remus had gone to visit his parents for the day, and although he would he home later that evening, there would be plenty of time before that. Stopping at the end of a long street, Sirius gazed up at the small, yellow building on the corner. This was the place. He felt a feeling inside himself, that, despite all his nervousness, he recognized as excitement.

Walking briskly up the stairs, he extracted a hand from his pocket to ring the bell. Ivy crept up on either side of the wrought-iron staircase, meeting the house's walls and crawling up toward the roof. From inside, a dog's sharp barking could be heard, and then, very near, a voice: "_hush,_ be quiet…"

And the door opened, and a face appeared, and then the rest of a body, one arm holding the dog back. A woman.

Her hair was long and golden, her jeans, splattered with paint, looking effortlessly cool. She was very pretty, with clear, bright blue eyes and creamy skin, but the most beautiful thing about her was her smile; and it was perfect, easy, and genuine. And when she spoke, it was with the same, honest happiness: "Hey, Sirius."

"Hey," he echoed, and the woman gestured him in, shutting the door behind him to close all wind from the cool night, and all hesitation from Sirius' mind.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**I'M SORRY IT'S BEEN SO LONG... The quarter is about to end here and I have a lot of work! **

**So sorry :( **

**but... WHAT THE HECK, SIRIUS.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Shades of Gray**

**(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**10**

Remus was already on his feet when he heard the small _pop_ in the hallway, walking in to meet Sirius so fast they nearly collided. Although he was in the process of removing his coat, Sirius grabbed the shorter boy by the arm, catching him right before his socked feet sent him slipping on the hard wood floors, but Remus regained his balance quickly, opening his mouth immediately to speak.

"Where have you been?" he asked. He wasn't angry – only worried, which was evident by the look in his eyes. Sirius, however, was just as surprised to see him there.

"I thought you were out," he said breathlessly, "your parents—"

"Yeah, I _was_, Sirius," Remus responded, still looking confused, "but I came back when you said you'd be off…"

"Moony," Sirius face relaxed into his usual smile, and he moved slightly to pull a hanger from the coat closet, shoving his jacket in. "I was just at James and Lily's place… I thought you wouldn't be home until later."

"Oh…" Remus looked, for a second, still anxious, but then the look faded from his face, and he sighed, averting his gaze. "Right. I'm sorry," he smiled tiredly, turning back to Sirius, "It's just been—"

"Long day?" asked Sirius sympathetically, as Remus nodded, he opened his arms in a familiar gesture, pulling Remus into them. It _had_ been a long day… It was almost like the summer with how frequently Matt came in to visit, and though Remus tried every time to act like the confident, clever man he had been portrayed as, it was taking a lot out of him. Matt was coming on _so _strong, especially now that he knew for certain Remus had read at least some of the things he'd written about him, and it was becoming harder and harder to ignore him. Most times, Remus just wanted to throw him out of the store altogether, but then he remembered the sure-of-himself Remus – the one who never would be affected by someone making advances on him – and he stopped, consenting to allow Matt to, once again, flirt. Unlike a few months ago, they rarely talked about any of Remus' friends (particularly Sirius), mostly because, every time he tried to bring it up, he was interrupted; by a question about a novel they'd both read, an opinion on the day… anything Matt could come up with to change the subject. Remus felt himself wishing that he'd never been intrigued by Matt's thoughts, because he was certainly feeling the pressure to be what he kept telling himself was possible.

Wordlessly, he lifted his head upward from Sirius' chest to kiss him; Sirius' hands brushing the hair on both sides of his head and beginning to trace the favorite parts of his skin: the scar on his cheek, the line of his jaw, his sharp, protruding collarbones, one of which ended in a slight bump. Remus was grasping Sirius' tie, pulling him closer, and he could feel a few of Sirius' dark hairs just beginning to fall down onto his own face, tickling. It was a relief so sink into something so genuine, after a day of pretending… but there _was_ something strange—and Remus drew apart, looking, once again, confused.

"Did you just smoke?" he asked sounding puzzled.

Sirius looked like he was trying to remember, "yeah… I guess I did… A little while ago. Why? Do I taste bad?" he teased, still holding Remus in close.

"No…" and he didn't, because was used to (and had grown fond of) the taste now. It was what made Sirius' kiss, and smell, so distinctly _Sirius…_ a combination of cigarettes, cologne, and soap… and although Sirius didn't smoke nearly as often as he used to, it still was not uncommon for him to do so. And yet Remus could not put a finger on what was making him feel so uneasy. What was so different about the kiss this time?

"Hey, how about we go out somewhere tonight?" asked Sirius now, still grinning. "I really don't feel like making anything to eat."

"Okay." As usual, Sirius' smile, and enthusiasm, were contagious, and, to be honest, Remus didn't feel that much like staying in himself, although he still did feel a little odd… he just couldn't place _why._ He made his way up the stairs, head still swimming, but aiming to grab a few things. Hadn't they just done a complete overhaul of this place a few weeks ago? Why was it a mess again? He rummaged around in his things, searching for what he had thrown carelessly on the floor after he'd come home before. He pulled his sweatshirt from off the floor (it had somehow been buried under a pile of clean laundry); now… where was his wallet…?

He spotted it, across the room, but as he reached out his hand to grab it, it hit him. Suddenly, he realized exactly what was strange about Sirius downstairs, because sitting next to his wallet, left as they'd both been out that day, was a half-empty packet of cigarettes; the same, and only brand that Sirius smoked.

Remus' hand shook as he picked it up. It was rather crumpled – he'd had this pack for a number of days now, since he smoked so infrequently. But it was there; there, along with Sirius' lighter (in public, lighting up with a wandtip just wouldn't do), sitting on their dresser, not with Sirius, and not being smoked at Lily and James' house. That was the reason why Remus had felt so strange… because Sirius' taste of cigarette smoke had not been from his own brand…

"Moony?" Sirius called from downstairs, and Remus dropped the packet as if it had burned him.

"Coming," he called back, shocked at how normal his voice sounded, and then, brain buzzing, he made his way slowly back down.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

He could barely focus on reality as they both slid into their seats, across from one another in the dim restaurant. He smiled at the waitress as she took the orders for the drinks, nodded as Sirius began to talk about his day, but only one thought was on his mind… one, all-consuming, horrible, disgusting thought…

Was Sirius seeing someone else?

He'd had the thought, the same monster of an idea before: the morning he'd heard Sirius downstairs, talking to James, while they both thought him asleep. But then, he had squashed it back down as soon as it had risen, and convinced himself of otherwise. He'd been near-asleep, after all, and surely, James wouldn't lie to him… but now the memory was becoming clearer in Remus' mind, almost as if coming out from a fog. Then, he had rationalized that they could have been speaking about anything… "You won't tell him, will you…?" But nothing had happened after that; as Remus had been shamefully hoping it would, childishly holding out hope that Sirius was planning a nice surprise, and not simply relaying his discretions to James. But now, though he desperately wanted to squash the memory, it seemed that other things were strange as well; things he hadn't realized were at all odd until now. Why _was_ Sirius so involved with Lily and James' wedding… or why was he saying he was? Why had it seemed normal for him to leave on Saturday or Sunday afternoons, claiming he was helping them with something? Suddenly, it all seemed out of place, like a black and white photograph suddenly thrust into color. What did James, or anyone else, know that Remus didn't? What were they hiding?

And then tonight – it was true that Remus hadn't been specific about when he would be home, and it wouldn't have surprised him at all if Sirius had gone to their friends' house… but why had he lied about what he'd done there? Had there been someone else there with Lily and James, someone who smoked a different brand of cigarettes, someone that Sirius had forgotten to mention he bummed off of…?

"Remus?"

Sirius' voice floated to Remus like he was underwater, muted, and distorted. "Hmm?" Remus tried to look interested.

"Are you all right?" Sirius was smiling – he was casual – but Remus felt his own expression remain tight, and forced. Sirius had taken off most of his work clothes at the house, and his shirt, unbuttoned somewhat, revealed just the tiniest bit of black ink, on the side of his chest. The huge, sprawling design that Sirius adored… that was permanent. _This_—this relationship—was permanent. They had been through too much together. Sirius wouldn't lie to him… anymore. He _couldn't._

"I'm fine," said Remus, reaching to take Sirius' hand under the table, out of sight from prying eyes. "Honest."

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

I don't know what comments to make... tearrrr.


	11. Chapter 11

**Shades of Gray**

**(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**SORRY! FINALS! I kept y'all hanging...**

**11**

Now that Remus had let the horrible thought into his mind, it seemed everything he did; everything he saw or heard echoed the same word: "lying". Though he tried to tell himself otherwise, he couldn't get it out of his head; it was in every touch of Sirius' hand, every grin, every second he was late home from work. Though Remus echoed back Sirius' "I love you", though he smiled when Sirius smiled, and laughed when he laughed, it was all he thought: lying, _lying, lying, lyinglyinglying…_

But if Remus was one thing, it was stubborn. Once, he had been an entirely logical person, seeking only to understand things intellectually, but being with Sirius had, of course, opened a new, emotional side of himself; a side that was now beginning, once again, to take over his reason. Remus was _convinced_ Sirius would not, _could not_ lie anymore, not after the way he had promised and the look in his eyes when he'd done so. The idea that Sirius was cheating was an unfeasibility… and that was what Remus determinedly told himself as he continued to ignore the screaming voice in his head…

And remarkably, it was not as hard to do as Remus had anticipated. The biggest struggle was remaining to appear "normal" to Sirius, whom Remus had never been quite able to block his feelings from. It was like reverting back several years, before Sirius knew of Remus' feelings for him… And Remus found himself drifting; floating through the next few weeks, and even another full moon like he wasn't really there at all, just doing all the rights things, waiting in a state of anxiety, searching for clues…

It was one of the first days of March that something else definitive finally happened. For days now Remus – though he had convinced himself it had been out of paranoia – had noticed little things about Sirius' behavior, things that may or may not been suspicious. It was all very strange: Sirius seemed to be working a great deal, but he longed for Remus' affections, which Remus reciprocated somewhat stiffly. With James' and Lily's wedding growing nearer, Sirius was becoming even more involved as the best man. His enthusiasm about it all was what scared Remus the most: why did Sirius seem so _happy_, so genuinely excited about life in general? It broke his heart to think that, whatever Sirius was doing in secret, it was giving him so much joy… and it was one of these "happy" days that it truly clicked for Remus, and he simply couldn't ignore what was happening any longer.

It was a Saturday. Saturday meant that Sirius didn't have to work, but Remus sometimes did, and that day was one in which he would be in for a few hours. So when Remus awoke rather early that morning, he turned over in bed, sleepily reaching for Sirius, expecting him to be close beside him in the chilly, early spring air…

But Sirius wasn't there. And sitting up alone in bed, reaching quietly for his things, Remus could hear why. He was downstairs, and from the sound of his voice, he was having a conversation much like the one Remus had overheard with James.

He was dressed within seconds, and once again, he crouched on the staircase. He willed himself to calm, as it was hard to hear the sound of the voices over the thumping sound of his own heartbeat in his ears. He could barely concentrate… _listen…_

Her low, soft voice came up to him like the soft tinkling of ceramic chimes. A woman.

"You really don't think he suspects anything?"

"No way," Sirius' voice, ever cheerful, floated up to Remus on the stairs, freezing him in place like a sudden blast of wind. "He has no idea… probably have a conniption if he found out James knew…"

_James…_ thought Remus dully, but that part, he already knew. He listened even more carefully.

"Well James was right about one thing," the woman was saying, still sounding amused, "I can't believe how sneaky you are."

"I pride myself on that fact, thanks," said Sirius, and they both laughed, but quietly, and Remus felt a stab of hurt. They wouldn't let their voices go above murmurs, so Sirius must have told her that he, Remus, was asleep the floor above…

"These are so great, by the way," continued Sirius, and now, for the first time, Remus felt confused. What was Sirius talking about? Was it something she had with her, or had on? He barely had time to think on it, though, because Sirius was already saying, "you've really…given me what I need here."

Remus couldn't take any more. He didn't want to hear any more of this conversation. He didn't even want to pass Sirius downstairs, but more than anything else, he didn't want to be in the house. He had to leave. Now.

Briskly, he stepped quickly down the steps, marching out into the first floor hallway and shoving on his shoes.

"Where are you going?" asked Sirius, who had appeared on his side, and Remus resisted throwing him a look by glancing into the room behind him – and by the slight greenish tinge of the fire, he knew Sirius must have been talking to the girl via Floo Powder. He avoided Sirius' eyes and spoke quickly.

"I've got to go to work."

"Oh—" Sirius was smiling, but he looked nervous. "I forgot… I'll come by…"

But his words were lost on Remus, who was not listening at all as he grabbed his bag from the floor, and, still not looking to his boyfriend, turned on the spot and vanished.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

For the first time, Remus wished that his Saturday hours were longer. The work gave him something to do that day, as he re-arranged shelves and tried to avoid thinking about what was now hard, solid fact.

Sirius _was_ seeing someone else—_cheating_…

And he was cheating on him with a woman.

Somehow this last bit was what hurt the most. Remus had always known that Sirius didn't consider himself specifically gay, or straight, but rather, somewhere in the middle… but that, of course, had never been an issue in their relationship. Sirius had accepted his desire for male companionship without thought; it was the idea of Remus that had ever made him hesitate. Their love was so deep-rooted and unavoidable that it had changed Sirius in that way, and that was what had made their relationship so special. Sirius was Remus' first _everything,_ his only, and in a way, Remus was that to Sirius as well… his first homosexual relationship; his first true love.

But now… now, he was no longer enough. And no matter what he changed about himself, no matter how confident he became, he could not be what Sirius now apparently desired. It was a physical impossibility.

He was miserable. Remus dreaded what would happen as the day drew to a close—where should he go? Was he ready to talk to Sirius about what had happened? _Could_ he do it, or would he be reduced to nothing by the idea of it? Already the confidence he had spent so long building up was slipping away like water, and he felt himself sinking back into familiar feelings of insecurity, of inadequacy…

He felt so horrible that he did not notice Matt until he was standing right behind him, tapping him on the shoulder, a wide smile across his thin face.

It took a moment for the recognition to permeate through Remus' fog of sadness. But once he realized who it was, he brushed off the hand on his shoulder, turning away slightly.

"I'm about to close," he said listlessly.

"I know," Matt was still smiling despite Remus' glazed-over expression, "I just wanted to talk to you."

Remus grumbled something unintelligible, but he obliged, sitting down wearily at the foot of the staircase. They were the only people left in the store, as Remus had ushered most everyone out a few minutes before. Without thinking, Remus picked at a hole in the part of his jeans above the knee. He was wearing Sirius' shirt, he realized suddenly—he hadn't thought when he'd picked it up off the floor that morning, but now it was like lead, weighing down on him so heavily he thought he might collapse. He wasn't looking at Matt, only down, but Matt was staring very curiously into his face, and it was a good number of seconds before he spoke, quietly.

"You've got great… shiny eyes, you know. Almost like…"

"'Gems'?" Remus responded sarcastically, without thinking, and he felt Matt beside him start.

"You really did read it…" Matt murmured softly, and something in the way he spoke now caused Remus to look up at him, pulling his gaze away from his own, open hands. Matt was still smiling, but not in the broad, grinning way he had been before, and suddenly, Remus remembered _all _of his words. He realized Matt was reaching for his hand, but he did not care – he suddenly recalled all of the flowery, overly sensual words… all about himself. Matt had painted of a picture of the confident, sexy, brilliant Remus… the one he had had imagined, and tried, to become. Now, as Remus looked toward him, he could see the same things, the same thoughts, behind Matt's shining brown eyes.

_Matt_ did not see Remus as inadequate.

And before he knew what he was doing, with a rush of self-worth, Remus leaned forward, bringing his lips to meet together with Matt's.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**Yeah... that just happened...**

**EEeeeeeEeeee!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Shades of Gray**

**(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**I LOVE this chapter.**

**12**

Within the moment, Remus didn't have the time, nor the mental capacity to realize what precisely made his stomach turn as Matt eagerly kissed him back. Later, he would reflect on it and wonder—perhaps it his mouth, so much smaller and thinner than Sirius' full lips; or maybe it was his scent, which wasn't of familiar cigarettes and shaving cream and faded cologne given to him by a fifteen-year-old Remus, but instead of unfamiliar soap and artificial breath mints. Maybe it was even his hands that made Remus feel so ill; grasping for his, feeling small and weak against Remus' trembling palms…

All he knew—and it only took a moment to realize—was that the kiss was wrong. Very wrong.

He was already trying to push away, opening his eyes, his stomach flipping horribly, when a loud, harsh sound echoed stupidly by a fluttering door chime drew both boys apart in an instant.

Sirius was standing in the open doorway, one hand on the knob of the old door, the other clutching his black motorcycle helmet. His dark hair, which had now grown to his shoulders, was swept back across his face, the thick, typical stubble of a few day's worth of facial hair freckling his chin, and his eyes, his deep, gray eyes full, with a look of pain. He was staring, mouth open, at the two before him, and with a start, Remus realized that Matt's hand still lay on top of his.

He jerked away instantly, but he couldn't get up, he was frozen to the spot—

"_You_…" growled Sirius angrily, and Remus felt like all the breath had been knocked out of him. The pain that crossed Sirius' face was meeting another emotion, something even more powerful: rage. It was an expression Remus had never seen before; something so hot and fierce that he felt instantly afraid, horrified of what was about to happen. Sirius strode swiftly to where they sat, throwing aside his helmet, and Remus, still rooted to the spot, braced himself for the impact of Sirius' wrath…

But though he heard the blow—the sickening thud of knuckles meeting against bone, the sharp gasp of pain—he did not feel anything at all… because the fist Sirius had raised to strike had been against Matt, punching him square in the eye.

Matt was standing, not to fight back, but to defend, holding his hands as if to protect himself from another fist. Both seemed to have momentarily forgotten they were wizards – Matt's wand poked out, useless as any stick of wood, from his back pocket, and Sirius, too, ignored his training and swung again, this time catching Matt in the center of his stomach. As the boy doubled over slightly, his curly head sweeping down near Sirius' knees, he pulled himself up again, this time using his own clenched fist to swing a punch into Sirius' jaw.

And now Remus finally found his legs; his voice—he was rushing to his feet, yanking his wand out of his pocket, preparing to pull them apart—

But they had remembered theirs as well, and now they both stood; only a few feet apart, each one's wand pointed directly at the other's head.

"I'll fucking kill you," snarled Sirius, sounding so much like a ferocious dog, ready to pounce; to attack. His lower lip was bleeding down his chin, but he seemed not to notice; much like Matt, whose eye cavity was already swollen to the point of near-blindness on that side. Still though, he looked grim; his light, thin-looking wand shaking only slightly as he kept his aim. Sirius' knuckles were white with the intensity of his grip, his wandtip glowing red with his rage as he opened his mouth, about to utter a curse, when Remus threw himself in between the two.

Though still burning with anger, Sirius turned to look at him, his expression so sorrowful; so hurt, that Remus could have cried right there.

"Why, Moony?" he whispered.

"You—"

But he had already lowered his wand, grabbed his things from off the floor and, without a backward glance at either boy, exited and kicked his motorcycle back into life.

Remus rushed over to Matt, who had collapsed again on the floor.

"Are you alright?" he asked quietly, avoiding touching him.

"What do you think?" Matt hissed, pulling himself a little into a sitting position.

"I…" Remus began, but he didn't know what to say. How did he tell Matt how wrong it had been for them to kiss? How did he explain the feelings of guilt that were now wracking his body, the horrible, unavoidable sense of panic flooding all of his senses?

"Get out," he heard himself mumble, because another emotion was beginning to coarse through his veins, and like the pain he had seen flit across Sirius' face, this was something new, something he never would have associated with the man he thought had loved him. "_Now."_

"I can't believe this," Matt spat, clambering angrily to his feet, "I thought we were—"

"_Get out!" _Remus bellowed, and perhaps from the sheer shock of seeing Remus yell, Matt did just that, slamming the door behind him as hard as Sirius had entered, but Remus was just as surprised as he was, because he was suddenly feeling anger as he had never known before…

Grabbing his coat and bag from the back of the shop, Remus turned on the spot, and vanished.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

By the look of the thrown-open door, Sirius couldn't have arrived but seconds before Remus did; something that was made even more obvious as he ran straight into Remus, who had just Apparated into the downstairs hall. The clothes he had been carrying flew from his hands, and both were knocked down, but then they scrambled back up again, eyes locked.

In a bizarre exchange of personalities, Sirius was not angry. He wore the same expression as he had back in the shop, the same words he had spoken now etched across his face: _why._

"I never thought," he mumbled, breaking their gaze, stooping to pick up his clothing, "I never thought _you _would—never—"

"Me?" asked Remus, and he was shocked to hear his own voice, much lower and harsher than it had ever been. Astonished, Sirius turned again toward him, but Remus could barely see him—his vision was so clouded with anger. _Never_ had he been this angry with Sirius; not after he'd brought Snape to him at Hogwarts; not when he'd caused him to have detention for an entire month in their third year; not even when, just a few months prior, Sirius had created an entire double life; and not even when Sirius had, as a result of _his_ poor actions, dealt him with a blow so hard he'd split a bone. _Always_ he had forgiven, always he had felt deserving, but now… now, all those past indiscretions were rushing toward him like a tidal wave. The old Remus, the one who was sadden by his insecurities and inadequacies had been left back at the shop, and only the new, confident, but shaken Remus was standing in their home, shaking heavily with hot, unbearable, impenetrable fury.

_"Me?"_ he repeated again, his voice rising, hands thrown open wide. "What about _YOU,_ Sirius? I know what you've been doing!"

"What are you—?" Sirius tried, but Remus could not be stopped. His anger was crashing over the pair of them, wiping out anything else.

"I heard you talking to James," he hissed, "And I heard you this morning—you—you _cheated…_ and with a fucking _woman, _Sirius—how—?"

"I never—!" Sirius was staring at him, wide-eyed. Clearly, he had never heard Remus talk like this before, and though Remus could see he was shocked—scared, almost—he went on.

"Don't _lie,_ Sirius!" bellowed Remus, nearly spitting in his agitation. "Just stop _fucking lying_ for _once!_ After all the shit that's happened—everything I didn't care about…! I heard the conversation—I knew something was up, and then I smelled the cigarettes… You left _your _pack here." Sirius looked stunned, but Remus went on, "So surprised—did you think I was too stupid to figure it out? Or, what, that I'm so pathetic that it wouldn't matter?"

"I would never think that!" cried Sirius, almost desperately, and though Remus knew he should stop, he couldn't. This was supposed to be _his _Sirius; his soulmate, the one who had known him better than anyone else, but now… everything was ruined. Everything he had felt bad for instead of anger was coming out; every forgiven indiscretion was magnified tenfold.

"I can't _believe_ I thought you cared about me," and his eyes were narrowed into slits, fists clenched tightly together.

For a second, neither one moved at all. Remus was breathing heavily, and he was shocked to see that Sirius was too, though he remained silent. Then, suddenly, without a warning, Sirius moved swiftly. Wrenching open the coat closet and throwing on his jacket, he pulled something, a box, from the pocket, slamming it down on the kitchen table. Grabbing his clothing from off the floor again, he stuffed it into the bag hanging from his shoulder. He strode past Remus, and it looked as though he were about to leave when he turned, once more, back again to him; still painfully, achingly…

Heartbroken.

"I can't believe you thought I didn't," he said simply, then, walking outside, climbed back onto his bike and vanished.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**I hope you guys all loved/hated that as much as I did. It's DEFINITELY one of my favorite chapters... but... I'm really sad now.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Shades of Gray**

**(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**It pains me to post these!**

**I'M SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. I KEPT GETTING THE ERROR TYPE 2 WHEN TRYING TO UPDATE FOR A WHOLE WEEK.**

**13**

It took a few seconds for the gravity of Sirius' final words, and his real and complete disappearance to really sink in to Remus' consciousness, but once it did, it hit him even harder than Sirius' fist had slammed against Matt's head. Instantly, he struck out, grabbing the first thing his hand could find – a dirty plate from an earlier meal – and flung it against the wall where it broke in pieces with a sharp crash of china. Turning away from it in an instant, Remus dropped onto the floor, head in his hands, the tears beginning to flow; hot, stifling, and bitter.

It was over. A year and a half of their romantic relationship, nearly eight years of friendship, and in a matter of minutes, it had all ended. Remus could hardly think for the blood pounding in his ears, the sounds of his own sobs echoing horribly in the silent, empty kitchen; the only thought in his brain was echoing the words, over, and over again… _Sirius… Sirius… Sirius…_

_Why? _The same question Sirius had asked was the one question Remus couldn't answer—_why_ had Sirius cheated on him; why did he insist upon lying when Remus clearly knew the truth? Why was this the one thing he could not forgive… the one thing that hurt the most? Why had James known? And why… why did Sirius say what he did as he left…?

The box…

Still crouched on the floor, Remus reached blindly up on the kitchen table, feeling for what he knew had been set harshly down; eyes still swimming with choked-back tears. The other hand was crunching horribly on the broken plate, the sharp edges just beginning to tear into skin. Finally, his fingers closed upon it, and he brought it shakily down to his level, blinking in an attempt to wipe the moisture from his eyes and face.

It was black, and unlabeled – no words to blemish the delicate design that had been printed on top, something that, though it was clearly not magic, shimmered in a way that almost seemed alive. Remus' hands were trembling as he held it there for a moment. His anger had ebbed away, but he was still frightened; horribly so, to see what was inside, as it was obviously something so important that Sirius had felt he needed to leave it behind; needed to show Remus. His indiscretions… how could they fit in this small box, tiny enough for Remus to cup between his hands? How could months of lying be compacted into one black and silver rectangle? Turning it over, he saw a name, etched into the bottom; along with an address, but he couldn't make sense of it at all; his brain too muddled to think of anything except inside… what was inside…?

Slowly… painfully… he edged the box open.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

Sirius wished it were raining.

Pouring. Storming. Even a wind would do. Anything but this perfect spring nighttime.

Racing along the streets, weaving in between cars and trucks on his black motorbike, Sirius wanted it to be raining. Maybe then there wouldn't be so many cars on the road to Lily and James' house, or maybe his sweating, tear tracked face wouldn't be quite so obvious. He wanted the weather to match his mood… he wanted a ghastly downpour; he wanted thunderstorms… he didn't want these clear skies, twinkling stars, and the mocking, beautiful night air.

It seemed like hours before he arrived at the house, waiting until as long as possible to cut off the bike's engine. He'd rushed to get here – but now that he was, he dreaded going inside. If he were to knock on the door, knowing James would answer… that would make it all real. He would have to explain what had happened; that he and Remus were—

Choking back another sob, Sirius didn't have to make the decision to knock on the door, because it had already been pushed open, and Lily, standing in her bare feet, gasped.

"Sirius!" he exclaimed, her eyes wide with shock and fear. "Are you alright? What's happened?"

Sirius tried, in vain, to calm himself down, to look her in the eye, but even as he lifted his eyes to her own green ones, he felt the emotion wrack his body once more. His face grew hot with embarrassment—this was no way to be seen by anyone, even if they were his best friends—and yet, he couldn't control himself… He felt himself being ushered in to the house and guided into a chair; heard the sounds of James murmuring to Lily as a glass of something hot was pushed into his hands, eyes, burning a hole into the skin of his palms…

"Padfoot," James voice now, much more steady. A palm on his shoulder, and Sirius forced himself to look into the eyes of his friend. "Talk to me. Are you hurt? Is Remus hurt?"

At the sound of the name Sirius dropped his gaze once more, and he felt the couch beside him sink with James' weight as he sat. He cleared his throat, and it felt like sandpaper, grating against his windpipe.

"It's over," he managed to say. His voice was shaking horribly, but after that first, brief sentence, it became somehow easier to speak. The tiny little trickle of water had begun to break the dam holding back his words. "Remus and I… we… he…"

He wanted to speak, but his tongue felt twisted in his mouth. James' hand still rested upon his shoulder, and its weight was warm and comforting… he cleared his throat, steadying himself, and tried again.

"He thought I'd cheated on him."

"What?" and now it was Lily, also beside him. "Why did he—?"

"—with Cecelia," Sirius continued dully, cutting her off.

"Oh…" said Lily quietly, sighing, and then she realized the magnitude of what he was saying. "_Oh…"_

"Yeah," said Sirius, still in the same, flat tone. He wiped a hand across his face, shaking his head at the same time, "he overheard James and I talking that one morning… James, you remember? And then when I came home late he said he smelled her cigarettes… I knew he had heard something this morning when she flooed in, but I never—"

"Did you try and explain?" asked James. His brow was furrowed in concentration, "I mean, did you tell him the truth?"

"I _tried,"_ It was Sirius' turn to sigh, and he did, deeply, the exhale shaking his entire body, "shit, James, I've never seen him like that. He was just… livid. Screaming at me—and this is after—after he…"

"He what?" prompted Lily, who was looking anxious.

"He kissed that Matt prick," Sirius growled, and he felt his hands instantly form into fists, gripping the fabric on his knees, "that filthy little fucker, he—"

_"Sirius!" _Lily exclaimed, shocked, but James reached for her hand.

"Lily, he's talking about Matt."

"Of course I'm talking about that prat!" Sirius exclaimed, "I know Moony wouldn't ever… do something like that…" he sighed deeply. "I'm not angry with him—I mean, I was at first, but after he said all those things… That's why I feel so miserable. I know this was my fault."

Lily and James exchanged a look, but neither said anything, so Sirius continued.

"When he was screaming at me and all of that, he told me—he told me, 'don't lie, Sirius'… 'stop lying, for _once'…_ he was mad about _everything._ And he should be, you know? He never got angry with me, not ever, not even after I told him I'd lied and was late that full moon or any of it. Not even while we were ever at school has he ever so much as told me to bugger off. He just put up with it… and I never realized…

"He told me _I_ must have thought he was too pathetic to care…" Sirius' eyes filled up with tears again, and without realizing it, his hand was resting open upon his chest, as if to push his thumping heart back into it. "Do you think he really meant that—he thinks I think—?"

"No, Sirius," Lily interrupted him this time, "No, you know he doesn't really think that, he was just angry—"

"He _should _be angry with me," Sirius muttered, avoiding her gaze, though she was looking desperately at his face.

"But I'm sure once you explain what happened," James insisted, trying to sound upbeat, "I'm sure once you tell him that—you two will—"

But Sirius was shaking his head. "No. I've been selfish enough. I left what Ceceliabrought me with him… he'll know the truth about _this_ time… and that's enough. I've been stupid… expecting him to forgive me for everything I've done."

What more was there to say after that? Sirius had a final sort of tone, though the tears still streamed, now silently, down his face. Lily slipped her fingers into his, James, a hand still on his best friend's shoulder, as the three friends sat silently on the living room couch, all wishing that, for once, what you wanted in life could be what you needed as well.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**I want to formerly apologize for how depressing these chapters are? It makes me really, really sad.**

**But all these reviews make me really, really happy so... I guess it balances out. You guys are awesome.**

**Once again, I'm sorry this took FOREVER. Thanks for not hating me... It's the site's issue; I promise. I got those error things for a whole week before I found a way to fix it! I hope you guys aren't too mad!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Shades of Gray**

**(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**Sad chapter.**

**14**

Remus was running.

He made it only just in time – into the bathroom, head in the toilet bowl, his stomach vomiting out the contents of his somehow shriveled stomach. The nausea had been what woke him from the fitful sleep he had fallen in to only a few hours ago, and now, as he retched, he was, once again, dully amazed that he felt so physically ill.

He never could have imagined how painful it was to be away from Sirius, let alone foresee how poor he would be feeling. It was like a burn—a slow, pulsating pain, spiking up with a hot intensity whenever he allowed his thoughts to get too close. He wanted answers; he wanted company, but at the same time, he wanted solitude, and the unknown. He still didn't understand what had happened, or what Sirius had meant by leaving him a beautiful box full of strange things. All he knew was that he was sick with more than just physical symptoms.

It was such a confusing feeling, to be right and wrong at the same time. As much as Remus hated himself for yelling at Sirius (as it had, after all, ended their relationship), he was still a changed man, and some small, stubborn part of him clung to the fact that he had, at least, done the right thing. This was becoming harder and harder to believe, though, as each day passed and Remus grew even more miserable. He couldn't keep telling himself that it was right when he just felt so damn wrong. After all of it, even if Sirius _had_ cheated, Remus reminded himself—painfully—that he had, as well. Neither were right in what they had done, and maybe it was unorthodox, and strange, but Remus couldn't deny his true feelings.

He still wanted Sirius… He still loved him.

The worst of it all was the wedding. Somehow, in the midst of all this chaos and drama, there was to be the happiest celebration of all—a wedding, for two of Remus' best friends. In just a week's time, they would be getting married, and if Remus was thankful for one thing about it, it was the agreement he had made to Lily quite some time ago. He would stand with her on the day, after her sister had refused to be a part of the ceremony, and that meant, at least, that he would not have to be around Sirius until the actual marriage… and even this, he felt simultaneously happy and disappointed over.

It was all so confusing. Remus hated not being able to understand his own emotions, which were so many shades of gray, not at all black and white, like he wanted. He was still angry—and he was also sad, but at the same time ready to forgive, wanting Sirius back…

And so, the days until the wedding passed by; a haze of worry and confusion and tears; time slipping onto the floor, never to be collected again.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

In the typical fashion of their relationship, Sirius felt precisely the same way. As Remus tried to convince himself it was right when he felt so horrible, Sirius did the same—telling himself not to be selfish, not to beg for Remus back… trying, he told himself, to do the right thing… For once.

For Lily and James' sake, he pretended to be somewhat adjusted. He put a smile on his face when he walked down the stairs to breakfast, but they weren't blind; they could see his red eyes and dark circles, and they knew, as well as Sirius did, that he wasn't sleeping. They could only do so much, and they didn't get too involved—and Sirius was glad they were still excited about their marriage. The last thing he needed was more guilt, more time he drew away from those he loved.

His only relief was work, which he threw himself in to—letters upon letters, nose buried deep into books, anything to distract him from thinking about who would, inevitably, come to his mind. His lip, which he almost completely forgotten about in the heat of his breakup, had begun to heal; though the skin around it still had a somewhat dark tinge. Through everything, he avoided looking at himself in the mirror, because he didn't want to see the even darker mark stretched from shoulder to shoulder; a permanent reminder of what he wanted so desperately…

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

On the morning of the wedding, Sirius awoke, as he had for the last week or so, in a hazy, half-delirious state. Still asleep, he reached across the bed for Remus… and when his hand met nothing but air, he felt himself wake completely.

He was alone.

No warm body lying beside him in the cool spring morning, no sleeping face to drawn into consciousness with a kiss. He had only his own fingers to lace together; his own hair to draw his hands through, and while all parts of his own body were still there, he felt strangely halved. Where were the thin, light limbs of Remus, or the strangely healed bump of bone across neck? Where were the criss-crossing scars and imperfections, the cold feet, the scent of hot, mint tea, the sleepily murmured "I love you"…?

Painfully, Sirius edged himself out of bed. He sat for a moment on the end of his cold bed, and then he stood, opening the door into the hallway to pad softly to wash. It was strange how even actions of waking up and showering could remind him of Remus, and yet they did—turning on the water and stepping in made him think of all their mornings together, times they both were nearly late for work because they were so caught up in one another. The morning after Christmas, more than a year ago, standing in their room at Hogwarts, Sirius rubbing shampoo onto Remus' head… and then, even fewer months ago, the mirror image of Remus doing the same action, the hot water splashing down as he, so lovingly, prepared Sirius for his first job…

Sirius shook the water from his head. _Don't think about it._ This was Lily and James' day, and despite his sadness, his now, jealousy… he would make it right for them.

Sirius switched the water in the shower to cold.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

Miles away, Remus stepped out in to the bathroom, shaking from the combination of cold, wet hair and the morning breeze. He crossed the room to the sink, pulling his toothbrush out to use, but, like Sirius, he avoided looking into the mirror.

He knew he was looking rough—pale, even paler than usual, and too thin, as he hadn't eaten a real meal in over a week. He carefully shaved the sparse hairs that were just now beginning to cover his chin, but he focused his gaze on the task only, eyes immediately dropping once he'd finished. He didn't want to see the deep scars on his upper arm, or the faded mark across his cheek; a nearly invisible scar he knew would become obvious once he really looked. Instead, he continued his routine, quickly, and then entered back in the room to dress.

Remus did everything as fast as possible in his bedroom. He hated the whole house now, for it reminded him of what had been, but the bedroom was the worst. Too many nights he had spent there with Sirius; too many lazy mornings, and every little thing sent him into a spiral of memories, from the still-dirty ashtray beside the bed to the occasionally found t-shirt.

He put on his suit without any feeling at all, finding socks, and pulling them on as well. He picked up his things from the dresser top – wallet, keys…

And the box…

He hesitated for a moment, and then, picking up the black-and-silver container, he slipped it into his jacket pocket.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

Sirius flipped over the silk fabric in his hands.

Up, down, across… he struggled to remember how as his hands fumbled. This was stupid, so stupid—it was just a bloody tie—and yet every second he stumbled felt like hours.

This was what he had been so excited for, all of these months. His friends, beaming at one another, feeling so happy, so complete… this is why he had spent so many hours away, caught up in the excitement of it all. Seeing their smiles, watching their glances… this is what he had worked so hard for.

What he _had _wanted for himself…

Finally, Sirius succeeded with a messily done tie, pulling the final knot with a sigh of heavy resignation.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

And with plastered smiles and heavily beating hearts, both men left.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**This makes me very sad to post.**

**I DO HAVE A QUESTION THOUGH. Does anyone have a suggestion for a name for this trilogy? I would like to have one, but I am drawing a blank.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Shades of Gray**

**(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**I'm getting really sad to end this one... **

** 15**

It was an outdoor wedding, and very beautiful. It was a perfect March afternoon, and as the sun grew lower in the sky, the guests continued to arrive, chattering happily as they perched in carefully arranged chairs on the lawn. James stood at the front of the crowd, unable to contain his smile, dressed handsomely in a suit, his hair, for once, looking distinctly unruffled. As if thinking this himself, James raised a hand, but Sirius immediately pushed it back down, and James turned to grin at him. Strange, how James stood, so confident… Sirius was the one who felt himself shaking, trembling with anticipation.

And then the music began—and Sirius, despite himself, felt his heart beat a little faster as Remus, hands tucked into his pockets, walked carefully down the aisle.

He hadn't thought this through, Remus realized, the moment he stepped foot down, because although he hadn't been with Sirius all day, now they were face-to-face, and they would stand that way too. Remus couldn't look away from him; couldn't turn from the eyes piercing in to him, because for some, foolish reason he suddenly found he wasn't at a wedding for Lily and James anymore. He was walking toward Sirius, and he saw, instantly, their own relationship, and his own walk, ready to make a commitment…

And then he was at the top of the aisle, taking his place, and even as the music changed and Lily entered, and the guests stood in respect, Remus couldn't look at anything besides Sirius.

It began. The smiling couple, beginning to speak; the official presiding over them, and still, Remus stared, watching as Sirius, to his utter amazement, began to cry. He wasn't sobbing—just a few, small tears dropping down his cheeks. Remus even heard a woman behind him whisper to her friend—"Look at the groom's brother, how sweet—!" because Sirius was smiling as well, a small, sad smile that Remus knew had nothing to do with the marriage. Perhaps they were both selfish, but there would be plenty of time to concentrate on Lily and James, and their unavoidable pairing later… for now, they only had eyes for each other.

And then it was over—they were leaving, people were clapping, and Remus felt himself pushed beside Sirius, gasping slightly as he felt the hand on his elbow.

It was like a cool breeze on a stifling hot summer day – unexpected, unpredictable, and yet so, _so_ appreciated.

"I have to talk to you," whispered Sirius. His eyes were dry now, but there was a sense of urgency in his voice, "I know I shouldn't, but—"

"Come on," murmured Remus, and as the crowd moved over to begin the celebration, he drew Sirius back into the tent that Lily had emerged from. They were alone.

And without a word, there they were, pulled again into each other's arms, fiercely kissing as they never had before.

"Remus… " Sirius tried, but even he was unable to stop, hands tightly wrapped around Remus' face, eyes pressing shut, his breath growing quick and heavy in his desperation. It was strange sort of kiss, filled with need, but not of a sexual nature, thought both hearts were beginning to race. "I'm sorry—"

"Me too…" Remus murmured, hands groping against Sirius' sides, pulling him in closer, needing to have him closer. The days they had spent apart were melting away, and they clung to each other, as if trying to fill the empty hours. "I—"

But finally Sirius drew apart, though his hands still held Remus' face. Slowly, he drew a finger down the carefully made scar across his cheek, remembering, as always, where and when it had come from. His scar… "Listen… Remus… I _am _sorry. For everything. You were right to be mad at me—you _should _be mad at me…"

For this time, Remus didn't argue. He didn't protest; he only nodded, and because of this, Sirius continued: "I—I'm glad you were mad, actually…"

"I shouldn't have yelled like that, though," Remus said, shaking his head, "but I didn't realize I was angry about all those other things—I should've told you sooner—I shouldn't have—have kissed..." his voice fell short, and though Remus felt guilty, he cleared his throat again. "But Sirius," Remus swallowed hard, "I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't thought—"

"I know," Sirius muttered regretfully. His hands were still touching Remus' head, fingers gently stroking a piece of fine hair over his index finger. He looked a strange combination or relieved, and pained. "But that, at least, you know the truth about now—"

"It's in the past," Remus said hurriedly, "For both of us… I can live with what happened—"

"But Remus—" Sirius stopped, looking confused, "that's just it—nothing happened! I thought you'd know that… didn't you open what I'd left?"

"What, that box?" Remus asked, just as confused, "yes, but I—I didn't understand—"

And, pulling away from Sirius, he reached into his pocket and drew it out, and for the hundredth time he opened it, pulling out the two ropes of twine that had been tucked neatly inside.

It was jewelry, but nothing like Remus had seen before. The pendants, each as large as a coin, that hung from each string were a flat, smooth metal, carefully cut and embossed into an abstract, twisting shape. Almost like—

"It's a moon," Sirius told him, carefully taking one, "and a star… You know. I got them made. For us. The woman you heard me talking to—she's the one who did them… a friend of Lily's. I… I went over to talk to her that night I came home late… the night with the cigarettes…"

Remus stared down at his open hand, which still held the pendant, and suddenly, it made sense. Sirius, talking to her in the fire—"_these are so great, by the way"—this_ was what he had been talking about. He'd purchased these from her, and she had delivered them… There was just one more thing he didn't understand.

"Why?" he asked simply, and to his surprise, Sirius blushed.

"Well, this isn't exactly how I wanted to tell you…" and suddenly, for the first time since they'd seen each other, Sirius grinned at him. It washed over Remus, filling him completely, and despite his confusion, he felt himself return the expression. Sirius' excitement was, as always, contagious. "All that time with Lily and James, you know—really got me thinking and I… well, I wanted to make a commitment to _you,_ as well. An… _official_ commitment."

"Oh…" said Remus softly, and the last piece of the puzzle clicked in to place. It came with a rush of relief, and happiness, and then—suddenly—the same, crashing feeling of horror.

"But I cheated on you. I kissed Matt," he murmured, "and you _didn't_—"

Sirius was shaking his head. "I've lied, and that's even worse. Not about this, of course—" he grinned again, shaking the jewelry in his hand, "but all of that stuff before… I don't think you ever really were mad at me before, Remus. I needed you to yell at me… It was the right thing, for you."

But now the grin was sliding off his face, replaced by grim resignation.

"But I don't expect you to forgive me for everything I've done, Moony." He looked pained, but determined, "You deserve a lot better than how I've treated you. I hate this," and again, he drew a hand to Remus' face, the same, sad smile playing across his lips, "but… it's for the best. It's like you said—I'm not being fair to you, asking you to accept me for—"

"Don't be stupid, Padfoot," Remus cut him off, "it's just like _you_ told me… Nothing in my life has ever meant more to me than you." There was silence between them, suddenly, but Remus cleared his throat, and spoke again.

"We've changed—we've both changed. Thanks to you now, I know I'm finally worth something… I know I deserve happiness, and that it's okay to be mad and…" he felt a smile creeping across his face.

"I know that I need everything about you… I know this is crazy, but I'm not losing you again."

Gently, he reached over to Sirius and touched the pendant in his hand. Everything about this relationship was wrong—they had both messed up, badly—and yet, it was unavoidable. They were meant for one another.

"Will you… take this, and… commit to be with me?" he looked up at the boy's steel gray eyes, and he took another deep breath, "forever?"

And Sirius smiled down at him, knowing they were stupid, but knowing, somehow… they were right.

"If you will have me… Yes," he said simply, and the two dissolved into their embrace once more.

**o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**You didn't think I was going to leave it on a sad note, did you? Points if you can spot the references to the past stories!**

**But there's still an epilogue! **

**And I still am trying to think of a name for this series. Thanks to everyone who has read all three stories... I really enjoyed sharing these and I'm sad to end them!**


	16. Epilogue

**Shades of Gray**

**(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

**********o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**The last part... I'm getting a little emotional here. I hope you guys enjoyed all three stories... sorry to keep you waiting so long for this last part.**

**Epilogue**

It truly was a beautiful wedding. All of the hours Sirius had put in, eager to be a part of something so joyous had paid off—there was more food than they could ever possibly eat, dozens of refilling drinks, music, and dancing that lasted all night. Most of Lily's family was like her parents, excited for her and thrilled with magic, and they were entertained most of the night by James' ever-popular transfigurations and, subsequently, Sirius' transfigurations _of _James. They all wanted to know the two sweet boys who'd stood beside the bride and groom, and Remus got a slight shock when the same gossiping woman who'd whispered during the ceremony introduced herself to Sirius.

"You were so lovely, my dear…" she told him, wringing his hand as Sirius handed her another drink, "so nice to see a man love his brother that way…"

"And you," she turned to Remus, "a member of the family as well—?"

"This is my partner, Remus Lupin," Sirius told her easily, and Remus, though surprised, smiled, and shook her hand.

"Oh—you two are just the sweetest… I do love a handsome couple…"

"I'll drink to that," Sirius grinned, and they did just that, only edging away from the woman after another full minute of her fawning.

"Partner, eh?" Remus asked when they were out of earshot, looking slyly at Sirius out of the corner of his eye, who immediately sat down his glass and pulled Remus on to the dance floor.

"You like that, huh?" he asked. It was late enough now that they were barely noticed, wrapped tightly together… Though, at this point, it hardly would matter anyway. James shot them a grin from across the dancing, his new, beautiful wife pulled close to him. He, like Lily, had given them the slightest of nods, eyes twinkling, when they'd finally emerged from the covered structure, looking distinctly happier than either had for the last week. As usual, they had known their reunion would happen, and in typical fashion, had given them plenty of opportunity to do so.

"It's official though—and here's your 'engagement ring'…" he gently tapped Remus' collar, where, under his shirt, Sirius had clasped his gift. To the surprise of both boys, it rested perfectly beside the knot made a few months prior. Even more shocking, Sirius' round pendant lay perfectly central in the mostly hidden tattoo of his chest, who, despite Remus' grins, insisted he had not measured it that way.

In response, Remus reached up to the same spot on Sirius' chest, pulling slightly as he adjusted the knot of the tie, hung extremely loose around Sirius' neck. "Your ties are rubbish without me," he laughed.

"I'm rubbish without you," Sirius smiled, lacing his fingers through his.

With just enough alcohol in their systems to be a little extra smiley, they swayed on the spot, and Remus allowed himself to lean against Sirius' chest, his cheek finding its familiar place. Despite all that had happened between them, he felt strangely at peace. Neither deserved each other, and yet they needed each other. Together was the only way they worked. Though it had been painful, Remus had learned something through all of this. Despite Sirius' misleading name, things had never been, and would _never_ be, black and white within their relationship—no emotion was ever simple, no action ever noncomplex. Even their feelings about each other, sexualities—all of it was painted shades of gray, some darker, some lighter. There were no guarantees in life. It all depended on them, and what they tried for, and Remus, who had always banked on certainty, somehow felt this was the right way. Things were _not _simple—they would _never _be—but through the drama, and confusion, they did have one thing that was for certain. They loved each other, and though they both continued to make mistakes, that was something they could never avoid. They had made their mistakes, discovered where they belonged, and finally, Remus had let go of who he _wanted _to be and became, simply, who he was. He had learned to live within those shades of gray; softly balanced between black, and white.

And leaning up to look at Sirius—his partner—as they danced, pressed close on the dark floor, Remus smiled to see his very favorite shade of gray—the shining, beautiful hue of Sirius' eyes just before they closed in their kiss.

**THE END.**

**************o o O O o o O O o o O O o o**

**Even though this series is over, hopefully I will be writing a few shorter stories featuring this same pair (and the same personalities)... but you guys will know if I do! I hope you enjoyed the ending.**


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